It's harder than I thought

[mdlbear]

Colleen's homecoming has made a lot of things better, but not everything. She needs a lot more care than either of us had been led to hope, especially using the commode (bathrooms are out of the question at this stage). We both expect that things will improve rapidly now that she's home and on her own schedule, but we're in unfamiliar territory nevertheless.

Colleen called one of her friends, who came over and took care of her all day, and cooked dinner before she had to leave. I am indescribably grateful. Even so, when I went out shopping I was distracted, and on the way back the world had an incredible look of unreality about it, as if I was seeing things through a thick, dark scrim.

Thinking back, it seems even more pronounced than the scrim that lifted when my depression ended. I think it is mostly a combination of depression and anxiety, and definitely situational this time.

A totally unrelated train of thought led me to look up dissociation, and its closely-related components depersonalization and derealization. Especially the latter. Yeah. That.

Put bluntly, Colleen needs somebody with her virtually all the time right now, and I can't do it. I can only hope that we can set up a rotation among our friends, so that I can get to work most afternoons. Mornings, I think, are hopeless: I plan to work from home. And hope that I can learn to actually work again, instead of spending my time either reading the web or being zoned out on sleep-dep and whatever drugs my brain is manufacturing for itself.

A couple of plates of pickles and olives seem to be helping; I may have to stock up at the office. A brief chat with Colleen (while working on this post), and the knowledge that she's used the commode several times without my assistance, helped even more. A fair amount of unreality still remains, however; the scrim is lighter now, but it's not all gone.

Comments

[septemberlilac.livejournal.com]

You're under an extraordinary degree of stress right now, more than you consciously realize. I know it probably doesn't feel like it, but you're doing very well considering the circumstances. What about asking advice of the people Kaiser is going to be supplying - the home nurse, the PT, etc. They might be aware of what resources are available for your specific situation and be able to point you in the right general direction. Just a thought.

[mdlbear]

Yes, definitely.