Done yesterday (20090507)

[mdlbear]

0507 Th
  & Colleen woke ~4:00 for commode; helped as needed, talked, snuggled
  * up 6:20; W=190.2; drugs, nose; coffee, C
  * shopping, part 1: Walgreen's
  * WFH morning
  * shopping, part 2: Safeway
  * 1:30ish walk.  Unsuccessful call to C.
    ! worried about my friends.
  * work: $review stuff
  ~ buy: depends, chucks, another waterproof sheet
  ! 6:39 harried?  anxious?  overloaded?  guilty?
    Things are pretty much taken care of; trigger was Michael not being able
    to park in the driveway because I was there.  I knew he was coming.
    Ali moved both cars up, but he drove around the block and found a space.
  ! 10:29 exhausted, depressed, tense, upset
  ! nearly lost it cleaning up Colleen.  Confined to disposable underwear but
    still a mess.  Had to leave the room for a minute to break a feedback
    loop.   Proud about handling it; somewhat baffled about the trigger.
  * 11:39 bath, teeth, bed

We seem to be falling into a pattern of waking up around 4am, which is when Colleen usually needs a bathroom break. Sometimes around 2am as well. I'm a lot more comfortable with this now that I know that segmented sleep is normal in many cultures, and know that I can usually get back to sleep if I need it. I posted about this a few weeks ago, and I'm pleased to discover that, as I recalled it back then, a little bit of quiet conversation and snuggle in the dark of the night is a Good Thing.

Went for a walk around 1:30 (after working from home in the morning and checking in rather late at work). Unsuccessful call to cflute. I'm worried about several of my friends; her most of all, I think.

Just because I'm on Good Drugs doesn't mean I don't occasionally get depressed, anxious, or freaked-out, and perhaps more deeply so than ever. It just means I don't usually fall apart completely, and usually bounce back pretty quickly rather than getting into a downward spiral, though I think my baseline has been lower for the last week or so. Colleen and I came very close to a mutual melt-down last night; I handled it by leaving the room for a few minutes so we could both calm down. We'll have to find better ways of doing that acelightning's suggestion of hugging while calming down and sorting it out has a lot to recommend it.

This business of taking care of myself while being a caregiver is hard, and I still don't know how to go about it. It's all very well to say I need time for myself, but it doesn't do much good if I don't know how to make proper use of the time I do have. I've written before about my inability to identify things I can do to make me feel good, as opposed to not feel anything at all. I need to work on that, don't I?

Comments

[callibr8]

Just because I'm on Good Drugs doesn't mean I don't occasionally get depressed, anxious, or freaked-out, and perhaps more deeply so than ever. It just means I don't usually fall apart completely, and usually bounce back pretty quickly rather than getting into a downward spiral

Yeah, this. Works just the same for me.

Have been having a hard time lately, yah. Still plugging though.

[mdlbear]

I've heard; it's good to see you back online.

We've both been having a hard time. You know where to find me if you want to talk :) Good Friends are even better than Good Drugs.

[callibr8]

Being a caregiver *is* hard - one of the hardest jobs there is. Are there any Caregiver Support Groups either through Kaiser or some community hospital or senior center? I know you don't *need* one more thing to do, but maybe talking with people who are in similar situations would lead to useful ideas emerging.

[mdlbear]

There are; when I was signing up for group therapy I passed over one or two of those because they didn't look like what I needed at the time. May have to revisit that, or possibly find it somewhere else.

My evenings are filling up, though.

[kyrielle]

What about a caregiver message board/forum/email list that you could fit in more based on your time needs? Is there any such thing?

[mdlbear]

That's a great idea. There probably is, and if there isn't there should be.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

I'm always glad when someone finds my advice useful! (Please don't take this the wrong way; it's just a spelling nitpick - but "lightning" doesn't "lighten"...)

[mdlbear]

*sheepish frown* And usually I check. Stupid bear.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

Really, it's not a big deal - nothing to beat yourself up about. I just seem to have a factory-installed spellchecker in the wetware. (It's not something I remember ever consciously learning. But if I've ever seen a word in print - and, of course, I've seen a lot of words in print! - then I know how it's spelled.)