Done yesterday (20090507)

[mdlbear]

0507 Th
  & Colleen woke ~4:00 for commode; helped as needed, talked, snuggled
  * up 6:20; W=190.2; drugs, nose; coffee, C
  * shopping, part 1: Walgreen's
  * WFH morning
  * shopping, part 2: Safeway
  * 1:30ish walk.  Unsuccessful call to C.
    ! worried about my friends.
  * work: $review stuff
  ~ buy: depends, chucks, another waterproof sheet
  ! 6:39 harried?  anxious?  overloaded?  guilty?
    Things are pretty much taken care of; trigger was Michael not being able
    to park in the driveway because I was there.  I knew he was coming.
    Ali moved both cars up, but he drove around the block and found a space.
  ! 10:29 exhausted, depressed, tense, upset
  ! nearly lost it cleaning up Colleen.  Confined to disposable underwear but
    still a mess.  Had to leave the room for a minute to break a feedback
    loop.   Proud about handling it; somewhat baffled about the trigger.
  * 11:39 bath, teeth, bed

We seem to be falling into a pattern of waking up around 4am, which is when Colleen usually needs a bathroom break. Sometimes around 2am as well. I'm a lot more comfortable with this now that I know that segmented sleep is normal in many cultures, and know that I can usually get back to sleep if I need it. I posted about this a few weeks ago, and I'm pleased to discover that, as I recalled it back then, a little bit of quiet conversation and snuggle in the dark of the night is a Good Thing.

Went for a walk around 1:30 (after working from home in the morning and checking in rather late at work). Unsuccessful call to cflute. I'm worried about several of my friends; her most of all, I think.

Just because I'm on Good Drugs doesn't mean I don't occasionally get depressed, anxious, or freaked-out, and perhaps more deeply so than ever. It just means I don't usually fall apart completely, and usually bounce back pretty quickly rather than getting into a downward spiral, though I think my baseline has been lower for the last week or so. Colleen and I came very close to a mutual melt-down last night; I handled it by leaving the room for a few minutes so we could both calm down. We'll have to find better ways of doing that acelightning's suggestion of hugging while calming down and sorting it out has a lot to recommend it.

This business of taking care of myself while being a caregiver is hard, and I still don't know how to go about it. It's all very well to say I need time for myself, but it doesn't do much good if I don't know how to make proper use of the time I do have. I've written before about my inability to identify things I can do to make me feel good, as opposed to not feel anything at all. I need to work on that, don't I?