mdlbear: the positively imaginary half of a cubic mandelbrot set (Default)
[personal profile] mdlbear

As things become increasingly sureal for me, it's appropriate that the week opened with Salvador Dalí's Long Lost Collaboration With Walt Disney.

It has not been a good week. Naomi found a nice apartment for Colleen and me, in the U District. We will move in next weekend. The prospect of splitting the household, even temporarily, is tearing me apart, especially since we don't know where we're going to end up, or when.

We've continued to look for a new home. The Maple Valley place was magical and lovely, but between wetlands, well, and septic system it's almost impossible -- perhaps completely impossible -- to build anything new on it to replace the mobile home that's too old to be financed. When we eventually move, it would be just as hard to sell as the the present owner is finding it, so we'd be trying to buy a new place with over $250K tied up in the old one. Not good. But it was the only place we've seen that looks as if we could simply move in with only minimal work -- and we'll need to move soon.

The combination of grief, depression, anxiety, burnout, hopelessness, and guilt -- the latter over the incredible number of screw-ups over the last thirty years that got me to this place -- is getting worse and worse. I just want to crawl into a hole, and things that need doing continue to pile up.

In other news, the country I live in is rapidly becoming unrecognizable. Amazon's TV adaptation of The Man in the High Castle is horrifyingly apropos, and Trump Supporters Reaction to Amazon's Resistance Radio is both Sad and Hilarious. Have a billboard.

Notes & links:

  * up 7am PDT; W=200.6; shower, laundry, dishes
  @ Salvador Dalí's Long Lost Collaboration With Walt Disney Will Take Your Breath Away | Don't remember where I got the link, but it's amazing.
  @ Trump Supporters Reaction to Amazon's Resistance Radio is both Sad and Hilarious 
  # Our temporary apartment will be called "Split End".  This goes with the temporary name
    for the Maple Valley place, which is "Other End".
  * 1pm brunch at Salty's
  x see if C wants a shower
  @ Surf Demystified
    Surf looks like the start of a great lightweight browser, but it's just a start.
    Without SSL support it's worthless in today's environment.  It's from suckless tools,
    same as the i3 window manager - somebody ought to write a browser in Haskell.
    Oh.  Spike: experimental web browser in Haskell : haskell
    Right.  k0ral/hbro: A minimal web-browser written and configured in Haskell.
    Of course.  web browser haskell at DuckDuckGo 
  * take down the stairlifts
    * 4ish both chairs, upper motor off.
  & wasted some time looking for the IEC power cord for C's power chair.  Found it coiled
    up on the kitchen counter, where I'd put it after finding it lying on the floor
  & gave Mom the 4-socket power strip I'd been using in the Rainbow Room -- she needed
    one, and it was smaller than the one I'd initially offered.  So I'm now using a nice
    black APC power strip.
  * Put in a query about the place for rent across the alley.
  * need a 5/16" socket for the bolts on the lift rails.  If G does't have one handy I'll
    have to go to HD for it. -> got a drill/driver set, not particularly good, a set of 4
    nut-drivers (including the one I needed), and a 7/16" 1/4" socket in case they proved
    too much for the drill to handle.  They didn't.
  * 7:05 rails unbolted, power bricks detached (they're hardwired, of course).  Taped them
    onto the rails.
  * 7:35 rails down in GR, with Glenn's help.

0313Mo birthday, $PROJECT launch
  * up 6:30; ; dishes
    % back pain ~3 - noticable but ignorable, improving.
  . bring down or box remaining stuff from bathroom, vanity, and closet.
  : Carpet guys here.
    Desti downstairs; Ticia in Great Room with food and water.  Good excuse to feed her
    without Desti interfering.
  * a couple of work meetings attended by phone.  The second, a design presentation, was
    not especially useful.
  * gave g her delayed Bat Mitzva present: jeweler's workbench and pliers.  Really glad I
    got those pliers; she got a set of tools from C, with lots of useful stuff, but an
    inadequate supply of pliers.
  * 8:20 Mom left with Mark.
  : I appear to have accumulated a set of birthday wishes on FB the cardinality of which
    exceeds my age.  Um...
  % 6:30 back pain down around 1 again.
  * 15min: puttering in Great Room:  folding shirts, re-organizing, ...
  o Between now and Saturday, figure out what in the garage doesn't go into Pod#2
    All suitcases stay out
0314Tu Pi Day
  * Up 6:30; ; cleanup, ..., cleanup, laundry
  & turned off fscking overdraft protection on C's checking account - some stupid game,
    plus her usual carelessness about the balance, plus the fact that my savings account
    (which was providing the protection) got automatically turned into a checking account
    so I didn't get told about excess withdrawals, plus idiot me not keeping closer track.
    $6K gone down the drain.
  $ Paid carpet guys, 4490.
  * Colleen: dentist
  : N found an apartment!  U-district.  Accessible.  Easy walk to the 70.  (Looks like an
    easy walk to Cat City, too, but we won't go there.)
  ! by the time I got home I was in extremely bad shape.  Not _entirely_ sure what; mix of
    grief, anxiety, and depression, most likely.  Earns a "!" flag because I noticed at
    least some of that.
  : Carpet guys finished.  Glad I waited til I got home to let Ticia out of the GR --
    the sliding door in our room was open enough that she could have squeezed through.
  @ The biggest threat facing middle-age men isn’t smoking or obesity. It’s
  * set up encrypted ~ssavitzky on cygnus and nova.  Set up passwordless ssh for it.
  % 11:18 I am, apparently, totally out of cope.  I don't feel anything in particular, but
    I'm moving as if I'm totally exhausted.  For all I know, I might be.
    Had to force myself to relax once I got to bed; took a long time.

  * up 6:09; ; laundry, ..., dishes, laundry, Bath; W=199.2
  * applied to Prexy for apartment; signed lease.  Need to get C on the lease.

0316Th Colleen's Birthday
  * up 5:30ish; W=199.2; laundry, dishes
  @ siderea | [healthcare, pols] Junk Insurance BAD
  * Set up /mirror on nova; backups will happen tonight.
  : still looking for the 750G external drive.  Cubhouse?
    -> no, in the "keep out - office" bin with checkbooks etc., where it belongs.  It was
       just flat at the bottom of a pile.  What I don't appear to have is an extra
       mini-USB cable. -> with (mac mini) Whitewood.  Even the right kind.  Moved.
  * 8:45 house hunting with N
    Monroe and Duval.  Duval looks like a win.  The Maple Valley place has too many
    restrictions -- we probably wouldn't be able to build on it, which would leave us
    stuck when we tried to move.
  : Had to reschedule Chopra.
  ~ Some long-delayed system administration, putting sensitive information into an account
    with an encrypted home directory, on Nova and Cygnus.  The main reason is so that not
    only the information but the backups will be safely encrypted.  (as long as the mirror
    script makes sure to unmount them, because apparently it's unreliable)

  * set up encrypted directory on nova, and keep Secret etc. there.  Would have the
    advantage that backups would also be encrypted!  OK; we'll do that.  Also.  First.
    ~ an alternative is an encrypted private directory: see
       The default ecryptfs-setup-private unconditionally names the resulting directory
       Private, which would be a problem without some significant renaming.
    -> and of course a separate user with an encrypted home directory.  You can access it
       with ssh, but not, unfortunately, with a command passed on the ssh command line.
       The advantage is that it doesn't stay accessible when you log out.

0317Fr St. Patrick's Day
  * up 3:30ish; ; laundry
  @ reading siliconshaman | Fire on the Mountain
  * tried to contact Prexy - two phone messages and an email.  We'll see.  *shrug*
  * gave formal notice of my retirement.  Hedged a little by saying sometime in July.
  % Severely depressed(?) walking home from the bus stop.  A few attempts at countering
    the negative self-talk, but mostly down on myself.  Managed to get my mood up to
    somewhere around merely down.
  : (guinea pig) Shona has died.  That leaves us with one, Clea.
  * Cleanup in the encrypted home directories.

  * up 7am; W=198 ; laundry
  & put kibble bin into hall closet to keep Desti from trying to get into it.
  @ Cloud storage price check | ZDNet Hands-down price winner is MediaFire
    There may not be a Linux client; no sign that it's an S3 clone.
    10G free; 1TB at $3.45/month
  * 10:30pm Dr. Chopra
    <- * sleep study->consult scheduled, * BP->ok, * anxiety->+50% on buspirone,
       x hernia->_forgot to ask_.        " My mind is going.  I can feel it... " 
  % Lots of mostly-negative self-talk; little I can do to counter it.
  % I tend to follow a particularly negative bit of self-talk with "who cares?" these
    days.  I think it means something like "I'm too tired to care, and maybe it won't
    matter anyway."
  % I think this is mostly grief and guilt, with the associated situational depression.
    My whole world is falling apart, and it's too late to do anything about it.  It was
    too late years ago.
  * Costco after doctor's appointment.
  * Grocery shopping with Colleen
  % one of my upper right teeth is definitely hurting.  It's been sensitive in that area
    for a while; it now hurts to chew with it.  Would really prefer to wait until April
    when my insurance turns over, but may not be able to.  Great.  Just what I need.
  * Went down to garage to look.  No room to fold up the tablesaw.
  : For some reason logouts from ssh to nova don't unmount the encrypted homedir, but they
    do to cygnus.  The setup is the same as far as I can tell; it apparently has to do
    with something that went wrong when I set it up.  I did do the setup multiple times
    while trying to set up ssh, so I probably screwed something up there.  Possibly in PAM
  @ Provocative billboard of President Trump goes up on Grand Avenue - ABC15 Arizona
    Classic bit of political art.  Mushroom clouds and $wasticas

Date: 2017-03-19 05:04 pm (UTC)
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
From: [personal profile] alatefeline
I am so sorry that this is so miserable. I'm especially sorry that you'll have to be in a seperate place from most of your family for away. And I'm sorry about your loss of Shona the guinea pig.


Date: 2017-03-20 01:21 am (UTC)
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
From: [personal profile] alatefeline

I don't want to get into blaming/not blaming stuff. However ... there are a lot of things a lot of people could and would do if $400K fell out of the sky, that aren't happening.

>> Just because the destination will be good doesn't mean that I have to enjoy the trip. <<

Yep. Some trips really need all the barf bags, emergency rescue medications, and comforting squeeze toys available.

>> Naomi pointed out that this is all so that I can do something I want and desperately need to do, namely retire. <<

N is smart. You have an excellent family.

Date: 2017-03-21 01:28 am (UTC)
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
From: [personal profile] alatefeline
I'm glad you have your family.

Hurting is not easy. And self-blame and anxiety and guilt and fear and uncertainty under a layer of numbness sounds like a particularly miserable flavor of hurt. I hope that good things will come your way to help balance this out.

Date: 2017-03-19 05:53 pm (UTC)
madfilkentist: Photo of Carl (Default)
From: [personal profile] madfilkentist
Sorry so many things are sucking.

From what I've seen on Twitter, #ResistanceRadio has become a vague metaphor that can be used for anything political. It doesn't have any connection to the show any more.

Date: 2017-03-19 07:47 pm (UTC)
kyleri: (Default)
From: [personal profile] kyleri
...well that is a pile of crap & no mistake.

I wish there were anything more I could do from here other than offering hugs, but. *offers hugs*

Date: 2017-03-20 01:37 am (UTC)
kyleri: (Default)
From: [personal profile] kyleri
It will SO TOTALLY be worth it! I'm on the keeping-the-planet-going part, so leave that bit to me. (Okay, not entirely, but you know what I mean?)

Date: 2017-03-20 12:46 am (UTC)
amaebi: (Default)
From: [personal profile] amaebi
I wish I knew any way to help you live forward with more eagerness than dread. :/

Date: 2017-03-20 12:38 pm (UTC)
amaebi: (Default)
From: [personal profile] amaebi

You are most profoundly a creator. More profoundly than you are a dreader or a regretter. Because you are a creator, you will find in your coming home(s) matter for really new works, and feel the makerly suspension of time and space that is flow.

Date: 2017-03-21 01:46 am (UTC)
amaebi: (Default)
From: [personal profile] amaebi
There are creators with all sorts of different paces!

Date: 2017-03-20 04:08 am (UTC)
archangelbeth: An anthropomorphic feline face, with feathered wing ears, and glasses, in shades of gray. (Default)
From: [personal profile] archangelbeth
I am just a random stranger, really, but also sending hugs. Moving is never fun, even under the best circumstances. (I lived in... at least five houses before I was 18, not counting three others when I was being dragged around as a kid. And 2 after that, counting this one that I never ever want to leave. Moving was NEVER fun.) *sends hugs for use or re-gifting as needed*

Date: 2017-03-21 04:21 am (UTC)
archangelbeth: Sad female face, with horns. (Sad Eyes)
From: [personal profile] archangelbeth

Date: 2017-03-24 08:26 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] markc1957
All the best to you with your retirement, Steve. Moving is an activity I've never particularly enjoyed, aside from the required 'should it stay or should it go?' culling of stuff. With regard to the world at large, I'd have to say that Dylan's 'The Times They Are A'changin', is altogether too apropo. Still, all of the turmoil and craziness is better than Tom Lehrer's 'We Will All Go Together When We Go'.

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