Done Since 2021-07-11

[mdlbear]

A . V E R Y . B A D . W E E K .

Colleen died a few hours before dawn on Monday morning. We had been married 45 years, 6 months, 8 days, and 11 hours. The last thing I said to her, when she called Sunday morning before she went in for surgery, was "I'll always love you."

I'm... coping? Not as broken as I expected to be, actually. No real tears except when I tried to sing "Eyes Like the Morning". Somewhere close to tears, anyway. (v.i. 0717Sa)

I can't imagine what this week would have been like if N hadn't been there. She'd promised Colleen that she'd take care of me. The Y.D. is putting together the memorial, which is another load I don't have to carry. I still have the feeling I'm missing something important.

Oh. Right.

Notes & links:
0711Su -- moved to previous week -> 
  @ See Done Since 2021-07-04
  / 10:30 (hospitalist)Dr. Rangel called.  Her condition is slowly deteriorating - maxed
    out on BP drug, taking more and more fluids to keep her blood pressure up.  She may
    not last the night.  Now I have to decide whether to go up.  I know what Colleen would
    say, but she doesn't get a vote tonight.
    -> drove up 11ish with N
    -> we both tried to get a little sleep; were not very successful

0712Mo
  / Colleen died about 4:30am - (0712)D
  * Contacted Neptune Society, ordered basic package.  -> called back immediately
    -> they do pretty much everything
    -> N found a marvelous purple urn decorated with flowers on Etsy.
    neptune 253-476-2495   225 217 1999
  & got about an hour's worth of sleep, or at least doze plus cat cuddle, between 6-8
  / called E, V.  V came over for a while.  R asleep; contacted A by email.
    --> E volunteered to write FB post.
    --> Asked E whether she'd like to organize the celebration of life -- definite yes.
        That's her specialty.
  / Call from Neptune Society funeral director to get info for death cert.
    -> emailed signed, scanned docs 4:24pm
  * write DW post, cc to FB and the various filk and Callahans groups.  Ame scene later
  @ mdlbear | River: State of the FlowerCat, Final Episode
  @ (Filker : The Bear shambles into the bar looking distinctly unslept | Facebook
  % I keep running across things where "I'll need to ask Colleen about that.  Oh.  Right."
    -> had to track down her birth certificate for father's first name (=Robert)
    -> still haven't located her address book.
  / N went splat ~4:15pm.  After being up two days straight -- hopefully she'll sleep in
  / G+T with Monin Violet syrup (closer to teal than to purple, alas!) in Colleen's honor
  / 5ish call (brother)Al
  @ E's post on FB.  Memorial planning.
  * cancel Colleen-related $A subscriptions
  * 15min put away leftovers, start laundry
  
0713Tu
  & Awake 3:45ish (woken by pocket-dial call from E)
  * put laundry in dryer
  * order second neti pot
  * back to bed 5:50ish;up 7issh without having slept AFAICT
  ~ 9am make sure N is awake
  % Has it only been a day?
  * 10ish drive down to Seattle with N; plan on coming back for the weekend.
    -> arrive 12:15 or so.
    % back pain p~=3.5-4 -> heat.  Damnit, forgot the meloxicam.
  * cancel Colleen's appointment with Dr. Chopra Thursday, Dr. Harper on the 20th. 
  % I did a lot of grieving two years ago when Colleen nearly died the last time.  Her
    final illness was awful, but not entirely unexpected.
  ~ email Gisela -> FB message from (cousin)Audrey
  * 6pm dinner with E and M at bitty fish sushi (alder wood mall)
    -> forgot my cane, but fortunately didn't need it.
  @ Tom Smith on Facebook - fantastic picture of me and Colleen
  * upgrade Sable to Mint 20.2 Uma.  Really fast down at RS.
  % naproxen ~10pm

0714We
  * up 6:30ish; ;
    % didn't pack CPAP mask headgear, so not a terribly restful night
    % right hip p=4 -> 7ish heat, naproxen
  * call Express Scripts to cancel Medicare part D drug plan
  @ Caring Transitions of South Puget Sound senior relocation services
  * call:  * L'  * Dave & Joyce
  * forward E's announcement to * Dave  * L', * V
  @ figmo | RIP Colleen Savitzky
  * 6:30 Dinner with Chaos -- Kent Station (mall) north side next to italian restaurant
    -> talked mostly about spreading the word -- both kids seem to be using the event
       planning as a coping mechanism, which is good.
    -> I couldn't figure out how to increase the volume from the BT headset enough to come
       close to speakerphone volume.
  * jury-rig mask strap (look in backpack -> hair ties and a velcro cable tie)
  % mild back paim, headache -> naproxen 10:15, with drugs.

Colleen:  (see colleen.do)

0715Th
  * up 5:30ish; ;
  & order CPAP power brick from cpap.com 
    and DreamWear Headgear with Arms | CPAP.com (which required disabling PrivacyBadger)
  @ Perseid Meteor Shower: How to See the Year’s Best Shooting Star Show peak mid-Aug
  * */15   CPAP:  change paper filter, wash tub (actually done Tuesday am)
  * */15   pay AX card, Molly
  * post on LinkedIn
  * email sent to Columbae list
  % naproxen with evening drugs, 10ish

  o memorial page for Colleen
  o OVFF membership
  o swap keyfobs with N because housekey

0716Fr
  * up 5:30ish; S=6:47, p=3.5-4; 
  # decide whether to go up to Whidbey today or -> tomorrow.  N will stay at RS
  / 15min: a little mailing list cleanup on C's phone.  She was on too many lists.
  % Really glad I decided to take down Colleen's flowered blanket.  It's just the right
    size and more importantly reminds me of her, in a good way, when I look at it.
  / determined (discord) that both kids want locks of her hair
  % moving the cats is going to be a major transition.  Worried.
    -> % 11:30ish feeling somewhat overwhelmed
  # breakout files:  {colleen,mom,rest-stop}.do
  @ Alan Tiesen in Consonance : I have read many eloquent posts about how much Mama
    Colleen meant to the fannish community on the West Coast... | Facebook
  * call S to say I'll be home (home?? there) tomorrow
  . (0716) notify other medical providers:  * Eden home health  * nephrology  
  / Colleen's urn arrived (ordered by N as a final gift).  It's gorgeous.
    * send pix to E
  % now I have a headache as well as lower back pain.
  * 15minL: a little more cleanup -- unsubscribes -- on C's phone.  Really, her email; I
    don't think I need the phone for anything more.
  * guitar: Eyes Like the Morning
    -> a full-sized guitar is incompatible with the wingback chair I usually sit in
  / selecting photos for the memorial slideshow

0717Sa
  % awake 4something; held Platy, with dry sobbing.  There are tears in there somewhere.
  * up 5:30ish; ;
    % managed to cut myself on the disposable razor I'd left in the med kit
  * ordered Apollo Neuro | Wearable Touch Therapy for Stress Relief because stress
  * "flame fries" for breakfast.  box on top shelf of fridge
  * 15min: add `make bear` for state-of-the-bear posts; modify flowercat:
  * make sure to take CPAP, med kit, both pairs of glasses, BT headset, cane, laundry
  * 9:45 go through list again before leaving (9ish-10ish)
  # talked with G about Colleen's phone -- he suggested giving it to j
  * tiny hair elastics for the strands of Colleen's braid.
  x buy (Useless Bay Smuggler's Cove dark) coffee, lobster roll on the way up
    -> lobster roll place wasn't open; went to Payless but forgot about the coffee
  % some nice lap time with Desti.
  * 15min: put (non-folding) cane in Molly
  * 15min: pack up lift sling, battery, and charger
  * 15min: put new neti pot in bathroom, discard the old ones
  / we received a nice sympathy card from Accent Dental
  : Turns out the CPAP mask previously in the travel case has the right headgear after all
    -> so I've wasted $40.  leave it in the travel case maybe, or with the old machine
    % I'm going to give the regrets a pass due to perfectly understandable brain fog
  % 4:30-:45 drifty
  % 4:50 made myself a gin gimlet -- another iconic Colleen drink
  * 15min: start cleaning out Colleen's stash of catheter supplies from purple drawers
  @ It Took Me a Long Time to Come Out as a ‘Plushie’ Lover - The New York Times
  % 6:45 at the end of my usual social media reading, and I really don't want to read news
  % meloxicam with evening drugs, ~8pm

Comments

[ellenmillion]

Still sending love and all the hugs and so much sorrow for you.

[ndrosen]

I’m sorry to hear of your loss. May you be comforted among the mourners of the world.

[thesebonesaregood]

I am so deeply sorry. I did not know her but I know how you spoke of her and how deeply your love runs. I hope you will find comfort in those who will stand by and hold her memory close and know that if there is anything at all I can offer, I am here.

[spiffyvoxel]

Sending you lots of warm fuzzies, friend.

[lilysea]

I'm so sorry for your loss :(

May other people be gentle with you;

may you be as gentle as possible with yourself.

[kaberett]

Oh bear. <3

[madfilkentist]

I can only imagine how painful it is. What can I say except that we're all here for you.

[acelightning73]

You are surrounded by love, and there seem to be so many people who knew Colleen and loved her too. Accept any and all help and kindness as much as you can - it does help. And remember what I told you: Love Itself never dies.

[solarbird]

I am... just so sorry.