mdlbear | Wheelin': Lookin' fierce and proud (Reply)

When I wrote "With her lover right behind her lookin' fierce and proud" in the last verse of Wheelin', I wasn't just trying to fit the rhyme and meter, and I wasn't just trying to describe cflute, either. Not only does the world look different from a wheelchair, it looks rather different from behind a wheelchair, too. It was a little surprising.

I'd expected to be feeling a fair amount of resentment at spending my time pushing Colleen's chair, just as I occasionally feel a twinge of resentment at doing an extra chore at home when Colleen isn't up to it. It will probably happen occasionally, but so far the dominant emotions have been happiness and pride at doing something useful for someone I love. Happiness, too, at being with her instead of forging ahead at my own pace, or trudging along beside her feeling resentful at having to walk at a pace that's nearly as bad for my back as standing still. And I'm not complaining about the workout, either.

I feel a little bit fierce, too. Protective, and even a little aggressive. Normally, trying to get through a crowd of people, I'll stand still and silently wait for an opening unless I'm in a real hurry. Even then I feel diffident about asking. Pushing a wheelchair, though? Sorry, buddy, I have the right-of-way. And, line or not, I'm not at all shy about walking past it to the handicap counter in the airport and asking, politely but without hesitation, for assistance.

I see the terrain differently. Small slopes suddenly become important. I plan ahead: is that ramp steep enough that I'll have to go down backwards? Will I be able to get back up? I look for the curb cuts. Learn to go over door jambs backwards, or diagonally, rather than jamming both front wheels against the bump and getting stuck. It becomes a contest: me and the chair against gravity and geometry. Sometimes gravity wins; that's awkward.

There's no use complaining; that's just the way life is sometimes. What still surprises me was how little I find to complain about.