Two sets of questions

[mdlbear]

Two sets of questions for you, inspired by my post on social answers and calibration. The first set doesn't have "right answers", it's just a kind of survey.

1. Do you consider a "social answer" a form of dishonesty (i.e., a lie), or a convenient shorthand based on a social convention that certain socially-incompetent geeks like me never learned to understand?
2. Do you give "social answers" yourself?
3. If so, is there usually a subtext, and do you expect the listener to understand it?

I'll give mine: 1: shorthand; 2: only rarely except with strangers; 3: not a conscious one/no.

The second set is stuff I don't have a clue about. I'm asking because I very much want -- and need -- to learn how to get better at interacting with people.

1. Is it usually safe to ignore the subtext, or is it usually something very important that will cause problems if I miss it?
2. Is it socially acceptable to probe for further details?
3. If that's situational, is there any way to tell when it's acceptable?
4. Can a 61-year-old geek learn this arcane skill, and if so, how?

I don't have answers for those, obviously.

Comments

Re: practice practice practice

[drewkitty.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it's better to at least know what's going on.

Many people can learn to read other people's body language. It's a learned skill and can be quite difficult, because it varies so much especially between cultures. Sometimes it requires learning by rote, for example I teach my employees the classic "fight precursors" which broadcast the potential for violence. Other times it means investing considerable attention in a person's particular body language unique to them, which can be even more difficult if one is easily distracted.

Believe it or not, watching movies with lots of personal interactions can be helpful in this form of learning to 'read.'

Animals also have strong body language as well -- as it's the only channel household pets have, it may be the only clue to the pet's needs. (Cats can get downright cranky when the stoopid hooman just Doesn't Get It.)

Controlling one's own body language is more difficult. This is one of the primary skills in acting and drama. From hand gestures to posture. As an aside, the reason why many people find it easier to lie on the phone is because the body language channel is muted.

When a salesperson, especially a used car salesperson, is trying hard to make a sale, the target often feels "off" or "wrong" because the person is transmitting so comparatively loudly on the body language channel. An advanced technique more often used by sophisticated salespeople is called mirroring, itself derived from neuro-linguistic programming (NLP).

Voice tone is a big chunk of communication -- this is where people are most likely to mistake your meaning. This can be as simple as lifting the tone at the end to signify a question, or the difference between 'firm' and 'hesitant' based on pacing.

I don't think you're screwed. What concerns me is the likelihood of a gap between what you can learn to spot or transmit (which is probably quite a lot), and any missing wiring that would limit your potential.

Re: practice practice practice

[mdlbear]

I don't speak in a monotone -- normal inflection isn't a problem. However, I don't multitask. When I'm concentrating on something else, voice tone is not under my control, and loud (which most people interpret as angry) usually either means frustrated or trying to deal with an interruption or distraction by talking over it.

Other emotional cues are probably there in my voice, but I'm not aware of them and have no idea how close to normal they are.

I really have no idea how to work on that.