Ouch!

[mdlbear]

Did something unpleasant to my right knee during my walk this morning -- right at the farthest point, naturally. I walked back more slowly and it seemed to be OK, but it's hurting pretty badly now. One gin, three asprin, naproxen, and an Ace bandage later it's down to barely tolerable.

What could have been a rather successful day of shopping and errand-running ended up a total downer between a lovely huge roasting pan from Bed Bath and Beyond that proved to be too tall for our oven, and having to pay my astronomical cell phone bill (by credit card) before I was allowed to get an upgrade for the Y.D.'s phone. Yes, I'll try AT&T's customer service anyway. Tomorrow. If I can summon up the nerve and the cope. Most likely, though, my inertia and unwillingness to make a simple phone call will, once again, and up costing me hundreds of dollars.

Out of cope. Out of spoons. Maybe drugs and dinner will help. Maybe in an hour or so I'll be able to fix Colleen's TPN without screwing something up. Yesterday was marginal enough that I'm not too hopeful.

Yeah, I know, it's the depression talking. Say hello to the depression, everybody. I should shut up before it becomes even more obvious that I'm an idiot.

Comments

ICE!

[capplor.livejournal.com]

Don't forget to ICE any walking injury thing. It's not 24 hours, it's probably not too late. (I neglected that last summer to my peril -- had to use Fred's cane throughout Denvention)

Re: ICE!

[mdlbear]

Thanks!!

Good advICE -- I'm taking it.

[pocketnaomi.livejournal.com]

You're not an idiot; you're depressed, and you know it and are accounting for it as well as possible. Depression lies -- you know that -- but it lies awfully loudly. You sound like you're doing a good job of keeping a rational layer of understanding between the lies and your intellectual belief, which is about as well as it's possible to do when you're out of spoons and cope. Expecting yourself not to feel it is being too hard on yourself. Please don't.

I'm having computer troubles, which is why I haven't been on much the last day or two, but I hope to be soon and am phoneable meantime if you want a shoulder to cry on. I hope things feel better soon. *hugs*

[mdlbear]

Thanks for the encouragement. Depression and I may go back a long way together, but this intensity seems to be a new development.

It is, however, possible to be both depressed and an idiot; the depression just makes it easier to see the many ways I've screwed up over the years, and harder to live with them.

[pocketnaomi.livejournal.com]

It's possible, but it's unlikely. Nobody gets to your age (or mine) without having screwed up in many ways over the years. What depression does is make you see all of them vividly without letting you see the many ways in which you've done well over the same years.

Best I've ever come up with to do about it is to remind myself, "You are unable to evaluate accurately when you're depressed; therefore, you may be an idiot and you may not, but right now any conclusion you draw on that subject will stand a good chance of being wrong," and put the question aside as ultimately irrelevant.

[brmj.livejournal.com]

People screw up, usually over and over again and far too often in big ways. It happens. The only way to consistently avoid it is to not take risks of any sort, and thus not really live. The best you can do is prevent what you can and learn from what you can't. You can't change your past, so endlessly going over every detail of everything you have ever done wrong accomplishes exactly nothing. I know you can't just instantly stop caring about it so much and get on with life, but I hope that on some level this helps.

[saffronrose.livejournal.com]

What Naomi said, and you are not either an idiot, even if depression magnifies our errors in our minds.

I'm working on interview questions for the psych. I think I need to meet you for lunch and talk to you about YOUR needs as opposed to my needs, too, if that would be okay.

[mdlbear]

We could try for tomorrow, assuming nothing else goes wrong and I have to bail out.

[saffronrose.livejournal.com]

Working at home or in the office? What's your preferred lunch time?

[mdlbear]

Office on Mondays -- noon.

[mdlbear]

ping??

[catsittingstill.livejournal.com]

(hug) everybody screws up sometimes; it's part of being mortal. You seem like a pretty together guy to me; you're just under enormous stress right now. Stress makes people stupid (seriously--it messes up their ability to learn, reason, remember, and listen) so if you find yourself doing stupid things, that's why.

I suggest you write "make phone call" on your list o' things, and try to remember to slip it in right after you've accomplished a little something.

Or, option 2--could you recruit someone to make the phone call for/with you? maybe one of the people who visits at the Starport whom you consider trustworthy and patient?

[victorthecook.livejournal.com]

You're still not an idiot. I've seen idiots. I've worked with idiots. I've been managed by idiots. You, sir, are no idiot.


Depressed, you may be. One of the things depression does is to make the things you've [done|failed to do] seem much worse, much more intractable, and much more devastating than they really are. You're not seeing more clearly now -- you're looking into a funhouse periscope.

Also, when your body hurts, it's way harder to feel good about anything.

[mdlbear]

Thanks.

[saffronrose.livejournal.com]

Yeah. That. Intense pain changes you in ways that psych meds may not touch. Go gentle with yourself.

[brmj.livejournal.com]

Let me add my voice to the chorus: You sure don't seem like an idiot to me.

[hvideo.livejournal.com]

Everyone has things that go wrong. If having things go wrong meant a person was an idiot then we'd all be considered idiots. But we aren't, and specifically YOU aren't.

Non-idiots run out of cope, and spoons, and round tuits as well. OK, so tonight will need to be more heavily into Mandelbear Maintenance Mode than you had originally planned. Do a good job on that, and keep up with the mandatory tasks (like the TPN) and most likely tomorrow you'll be able to do a better job on some of the remaining tasks. One task at a time, one day at a time, and as much Mandelbear Maintenance Mode as you can squeeze in.

Caring for others
Mandelbear Maintenance Mode
Must be done as well

Pressure cookers have
Valves to let excess steam go
Let LJ be yours

Cope, Tuits and Spoons
Will slowly grow overnight
Sleep well tonight, bear

[mdlbear]

Thank you. Sleep may have helped to some extent. I probably shouldn't have left the alarm set, though.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

Here, have a spoon.

Having spoken to you, I can conclusively state that you are not an idiot.

And hvideo keeps saying all the wise, sensible things I want to tell you. Remember that you won't be able to take care of anybody else if you don't take care of yourself, at least to some degree. And also remember how many friends you have who are more than willing to give you emotional and/or practical support.

[mdlbear]

It's an area where I really don't know _how_ to take care of myself. I just keep plodding along, totally out of my depth.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

Make a list of things that make you feel better when you do them. When you get depleted, pick one thing from that list, and force yourself to do it. Tell everyone around you what you've picked, so they can urge to do it - getting started doing something for self-renewal is usually the hardest part. And make sure you get enough to eat (and the right things to eat!) and enough sleep.

And here's a userpic for you:

[mdlbear]

Thanks. I'll have to try that, even though I can't think of many right now, and most of what I can think of are difficult or impossible to do most of the time.

And of course it's hard to avoid the feeling that I need to be doing one of the many tasks that I'm avoiding because I don't like to do them.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

Come up with an equation - say, doing three tasks you don't like to do earns you one task that makes you feel better. Or doing stuff you don't enjoy for an hour earns you fifteen minutes of enjoyment. Write it down, make a sign, tell everyone around you... and then stick to it.