River: Aha[2]: the other thing I'm afraid of

[mdlbear]

OK, I was wrong last post. Being afraid of doing anything irrevocable doesn't explain the phone phobia. That's explained by my worst fear:

I'm terrified of being embarrassed.

That explains the phone phobia, the shyness, probably a large part of why it took me so long to get help for my depression, why it's so damned hard for me to ask for help in general, and on and on and on.

That explains why I can't stand most comedy. Watching somebody be embarrassed is excruciating. Yes, I have walked out of movies.

You may well ask why, then, I feel comfortable with writing about all this, and all of the assorted stupid things I've been doing lately. The answer, I think, involves two effects. The first is that when I'm writing I'm all by myself; there's a lot of distance between me in here and you out there. It's just me and the computer, in here. It's you and your computer out there.

The other, and I think the more important one, is that it's my move. If I put some information on the table, nobody else can spring it on me when it would be embarrassing. And you can talk about it, if you want, knowing that I've already brought up the subject and I'm expecting -- perhaps even hoping for -- your input. Neither of us has to be embarrassed in that conversation.

I have no idea how to deal with this one. Hopefully my therapist will.

Comments

[catsittingstill.livejournal.com]

I think a lot of people have this fear. Perhaps there is a standard way to deal with it.

[mdlbear]

I'm hoping there is.

[brmj.livejournal.com]

Here's something to keep in mind that *might* help: in many situations, the people who would think any less of you if you do something embarrassing are also the people whose opinions should matter the least to you.

[mdlbear]

Does not help. It's not people thinking any less of me, it's the being embarrassed.

[brmj.livejournal.com]

Interesting. I, at least, have some difficulty isolating the concept of embarrassment from such considerations. Of course, this probably says far more about the way I think than anything.

[randwolf.livejournal.com]

Anti-depressants often help. I believe this is also the sort of problem that yields to desensitization therapies. As Cat says, this is not an uncommon problem, but it's a very disabling one.

[mdlbear]

We'll see on the first one. The second sounds... daunting.

[victorthecook.livejournal.com]

As I'm sure you know, you are not alone. I basically can't watch situation comedies -- it's like watching somebody get run down by a train, while you're powerless to help or warn. I was forced to watch a lot of these in the '70s and '80s ('80's?), when my family used television as a togetherness activity. I usually closed my eyes, but it didn't help.

[faxpaladin.livejournal.com]

Sibling! I remember getting dressed down by Mom because I went off into the bedroom to read rather than watch TV with the family...

[saffronrose.livejournal.com]

I don't find "humiliation humor" funny at all. I'm with you there.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

I also don't find much of what's labeled "comedy" funny at all. I can't bear to watch people either being stupid or deliberately humiliating and hurting one another.

It's normal to be afraid of being embarrassed, up to a point, but here's another psychological label: "social phobia".

[mdlbear]

I've seen that label; it definitely applies.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

It would be really helpful if there were some way for you to see your therapist more than once a month! (You ought to mention that to her - she might be able to do something about it.)

[mdlbear]

Yes; I can see now that it would. But I don't see how to make that happen; Kaiser corporate policy is once/month. Sucks, but it's what I have.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

That's why I suggest talking to the therapist about it; she may know of some resources Kaiser isn't telling you about.

[drewkitty.livejournal.com]

1) I used to suffer greatly from feeling embarrassed.

Then I learned to sort out the difference between error-checking to see whether I am doing the correct / socially proper / ethical / appropriate thing, and the callous snap judgments of the uninformed and/or malicious.

The former is laudable. The latter is allowing stupid people to run your life for you.

2) Toastmasters. A great place to get over fear of public speaking, and helps enormously with social embarrassment aka social anxiety disorder.

[mdlbear]

Done Toastmasters. Didn't like it much, but it was very helpful for getting me past fear of public performance.

Embarrassment is something quite different for me, and it has nothing whatever to do with what people say to me: it's about how I feel about what I've done.

[faxpaladin.livejournal.com]

Yep to pretty much all of that... when I watch a movie at home by myself, I frequently fast-forward past those bits...

[firecat]

I have a problem like that too. I label it social anxiety. Although since you might have it over things other than social stuff that might not be a good label for you.

When you feel embarrassed, what goes on in your body and mind?

[mdlbear]

You know, I don't think I can answer that last question. I've gotten extremely good at avoiding situations where I'm likely to be embarrassed.

[donsimpson.livejournal.com]

Ah. This may be at least a partial explanation of why I regard most modern "comedies" as irritating accumulations of torture and humiliation. (The rest seem simply not funny.)