River: Aha[2]: the other thing I'm afraid of

[mdlbear]

OK, I was wrong last post. Being afraid of doing anything irrevocable doesn't explain the phone phobia. That's explained by my worst fear:

I'm terrified of being embarrassed.

That explains the phone phobia, the shyness, probably a large part of why it took me so long to get help for my depression, why it's so damned hard for me to ask for help in general, and on and on and on.

That explains why I can't stand most comedy. Watching somebody be embarrassed is excruciating. Yes, I have walked out of movies.

You may well ask why, then, I feel comfortable with writing about all this, and all of the assorted stupid things I've been doing lately. The answer, I think, involves two effects. The first is that when I'm writing I'm all by myself; there's a lot of distance between me in here and you out there. It's just me and the computer, in here. It's you and your computer out there.

The other, and I think the more important one, is that it's my move. If I put some information on the table, nobody else can spring it on me when it would be embarrassing. And you can talk about it, if you want, knowing that I've already brought up the subject and I'm expecting -- perhaps even hoping for -- your input. Neither of us has to be embarrassed in that conversation.

I have no idea how to deal with this one. Hopefully my therapist will.

Comments

[saffronrose.livejournal.com]

I don't find "humiliation humor" funny at all. I'm with you there.