River: It's not like that at all

[mdlbear]

Over the last couple of days I've thought a little more about addiction and embarrassment, and realized that I've been wrong about them for years (though in different ways).

For years I've been saying that I have an addictive personality. I've been addicted to reading, Usenet news, a couple of solitaire-type games, and now LJ. Programming and writing belong on the list, too: when I'm deep in a project the rest of the world goes away, the same as it does when I'm reading.

That's the key realization: the rest of the world goes away. These are all activities that I do in a light trance state: intensely focussed and unaware of either my surroundings or myself. More like Zen meditation than drugged stupor -- alcohol addiction has no attraction for me at all; I'll happily drink enough to be relaxed, but hate the fuzzy-mindedness that comes from drinking too much.

In addition, the things I've been most "addicted" to, usenet and LJ, are both things that connect me with other people. I think I have to add deep, one-on-one conversation here as well. Not a real addiction, then, but something else. I'm not sure what.

 

It's the same with my social phobia: I don't think it's anything like what I thought it was. My aversion to embarrassment is so intense that I've learned ways to avoid any situation where I might possibly be embarrassed. I've been seriously embarassed only a handful of times that I remember (though I may have suppressed more of those memories). More recently the few times I've been forced into potentially embarassing situations haven't been so bad. I seem to have few limits on what I'll talk about, and many of those are things I think might embarrass somebody else.

My aversion to embarrassment is almost entirely due to observation of other people in embarrassing situations. It's empathy, then. I find this deeply weird.

Comments

[kyrielle]

For what it's worth, my aversion to others' embarrassment is so strong I won't watch sitcoms or many movies, and have put aside books. Even if the person isn't embarrassed, if I think they should be it will bother me (sometimes even more, honestly).

[mdlbear]

Same here.