River: notes from my walk

[mdlbear]

Today was only the second day in about a week that I actually had a chance to walk for as long as I like to at lunchtime. That was good.

I noticed an odd, or at least interesting, effect: I was walking at my usual pace up until the point where I started thinking about pulling out my phone and calling a friend. At that point I slowed down to my usual "depressed" pace. As soon as I put the phone away, I sped up again.

Making phone calls appears to be strongly associated with being, or becoming, depressed. To the extent that even thinking about making a call is depressing. Presumably it's a learned response, and presumably it's part of a feedback loop that reinforces the association.

I can keep poking at it, but I don't think I have the mental tools I need to analyze or to correct this kind of problem. I've been thinking about my phone phobia on and off for at least a month, and I seem to be no closer than ever to understanding it. Suggestions?

Comments

The suggestion

[capplor.livejournal.com]

is enjoy your walk and don't even remember you have a phone. You're certainly taking it with you, in case of an emergency on either end, but if walks help you, and phone calls depress you, don't mix the two.

Re: The suggestion

[mdlbear]

Phone calls often cheere me, if I can bring myself to make them and if they're answered.

[animekid.livejournal.com]

I'm no expert on the subject matter...but you have hit on two of those important elements already. Remember reading about this -somewhere- a while back =\

Taking a walk is very good as it allows you to get away for a bit from the demands of life. (Not to mention the good health benefits of walking). It gives you a moment to meditate and whatnot in a society that now demands our attention at any given time.

on that note, we bring in the cell phone. No doubt you are all too familiar with the paradox that cell phones were supposed to make our life easier, yet only helped make us more stressed and busy. On one level, a cell phone is symbolically and literally a device that ties us to the aforementioned reality. It is a device, that instead of bringing ease, only brings our problems with us. Cell phones after all...are our leashes.

So yeah...pretty much just repeating the very things you did...
I say build on that...when you take your walks...completely forgo the phone. Give yourself that time -to yourself-

(though here I am and I need to give myself that advice XD)

[mdlbear]

The problem is, sometimes I really enjoy taking a walk and talking with a friend. If someone had called me during my walk I would have been delighted. If I'd actually managed to call someone, I would have had a good conversation and enjoyed the walk that much more.

So why can't I make the call?

[animekid.livejournal.com]

Hrm...definitely not an easy one that...

It is perhaps what you mentioned in your post originally...the fact you have made the association?

After all...you have had a lot going on lately...
Question then is...how much of these things have you also handled over the phone or a phone played a part in it somewhere along the way?

Otherwise...I am not sure what insight I can offer...
Only thing I can think of beyond that...having suffered depression in the past too...I know one of the signs they say is loss of enjoyment in what normally is enjoyable. =\

[mdlbear]

Very few of the current things involved phone calls; this problem goes back decades.

[kyrielle]

Could it be anxiety about other possible outcomes, such as if you call at a bad time for the other person? If so, perhaps scheduling a call in advance (so you know they're expecting it) would help. (Of course, it removes the spontaneity, but if it also allows you to call and enjoy the conversation....)

[mdlbear]

That's certainly part of it; scheduling helps a lot.

[nosebeepbear.livejournal.com]

In that case I'm going to tell you about the very silly system I have set up with a friend of mine who understands my phone phobia. Thanks to caller ID, he can see it's me calling, and he won't answer. If it's a good time to talk, he'll call me back, and he promised me he won't call back if it isn't. So I don't have the "I might be bothering him" problem, and I don't have the hmm...there's a timing problem in my head that I thought I could state succinctly but I guess not. It's like I'm all geared up for the terrifying moment when someone answers, but I don't know precisely when that's coming. If I'm answering the phone, that part isn't an issue.

[wyld-dandelyon.livejournal.com]

I'd guess you have developed a habit of thinking of your phone and making calls with it as being stressful and depressing (and you have said you have a habit of avoiding taking action in such situations). But now you've decided that that old habit is keeping you from enjoying life as much as you want to. So you need to make a new habit.

Breaking old habits isn't easy, of course.

My suggestion is to first take a week or two and walk with your phone out in your hand, walking with it where you see it, while thinking about pleasant phone calls you have had. The idea is to get your brain used to the sight of the phone being connected with pleasant things - walking and good memories, at first.

After you have walked holding it as if you will call and thinking of good calls, start thinking "If I call this person, I'll have a good time." If you feel like calling, stop for the moment it takes you to dial the phone, so you don't reinforce the "slowing down" part. Stand up straight. Smile. Maybe stop in a particularly pretty spot, where you can let your eyes rest on something you enjoy. Then make the call and quickly resume walking at your usual pace. (Even if you fail to make the call, resume walking quickly at your usual pace--each part of the habit that you refuse to follow will weaken the whole, eventually.)

Unless you experience a great epiphany by this point, and the problem goes away, the next step is to start making calls, and to choose a strategy to make making the calls a good experience, as much as you can. For instance, you could make a few "dates" with people you really like to talk to on the phone - arrange that you will call them, and they will be available, during your lunchtime walk. That way you can logically refute the whatever doubts and fears that show up to try to convince you to revert to your old habit. Depending on how hard it is for you to call, you could even arrange for them to call you at ten after if you haven't worked up the courage to call, so you know you will have a good talk as soon as you think about dialing the phone.

Good luck!

[mdlbear]

Thanks! Reasonable suggestions. I actually have very few bad associations with the cell phone, and perhaps as a result tend to use it a lot more than I ever used a landline. The problem goes back at least four decades.

But you're right; some kind of desensitization program seems to be indicated.

[wyld-dandelyon.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. I hope re-programming your brain with positive associations helps.

If you're more comfortable with something that doesn't look like an old fashioned phone, you could probably acquire something modern looking - or even science fiction themed - for your home phone too. Would you feel better calling the utility company on a Maxwell Smart-style shoe phone?

[mdlbear]

*grin* I've seen that, too.

The appearance of the phone doesn't seem to make any difference at all; our current house phones are mostly rather recent Panasonic DECT phones. Cell and landline phones seem about the same, except that it's a little easier to make calls when I'm out walking.

[wyld-dandelyon.livejournal.com]

You have room to run away? <--(smart-ass comment)

Maybe it's just that you feel better overall while walking, so you are more up to making calls then.

[mdlbear]

There's also the idea of "taking a walk with a friend".

[nosebeepbear.livejournal.com]

No idea if this is relevant to you, but since I'm babbling at you I might as well keep going :). I think my phobia started at least in part because with a land line I felt "stuck" while talking on the phone, and feeling trapped is definitely an anxiety trigger for me. Now that there are cell phones and headsets phones don't have that problem, but learned feelings and behavior don't always magically disappear in the face of logic.

[septemberlilac.livejournal.com]

I can offer no useful suggestions as I also suffer from unsolved phone phobia, but I am watching with great interest as you poke at the problem. Is it possible that the slowing to "depressed pace" was partially caused just by the weight of the effort it takes to make a call? In my case, depression and the phobia can go hand in hand but are not always linked. Your mileage, of course, may vary.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

Another thought - if you customarily walk at a fairly brisk pace, you'll have slowed down automatically in order to talk. Possibly your mind then interpreted that slowing-down as a sign of depression, and obligingly became depressed. Everybody who's commented is right - it boils down to breaking old patterns, which is best done by replacing them with different ones.

[mdlbear]

Oooh - that's a good one. Have to remember that.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

I have just recently read that performing actions associated with a particular emotional state, even when one is not actually in that state, will tend to put one into that state - e.g., smiling, even a pitiful excuse of a fake smile, will make you feel happier. You might find it useful to experiment with this concept...

[mdlbear]

I remember reading that, too. Some experimentation is definitely in order.