The Mandelbear's Musings

This came out of an incident toward the end of this weekend's trip.

Snapdragons:

The snapdragon is a pretty flower with a fierce-sounding name. It looks as though it's set up to eat insects, but in fact all it wants to do is hold on to them long enough to deposit some pollen on them to send to the next snapdragon they visit. But sex by proxy is an entirely different story.

The snapdragon effect

It turns out that cflute, who we were visiting over the weekend, is even more sensitive than I am to what she calls "crosstalk". If she's trying to talk or write, words directed at her will break her concentration. We were engaged in a rather complex and stressful project when pocketnaomi derailed C's train of thought and got "snapped at". She was, understandably, hurt and upset, and said so. This got C angry in turn; N left the room rather than let it escalate. (edited 0719t1535 in response to a correction in comments.)

It turns out that N is at least as sensitive as Colleen is to phrasing and tone of voice. It's a hypergolic mixture. And C doesn't have the benefit of 30-odd years' experience with this problem.

When it happens between me and Colleen the usual result is Colleen bursting into tears, but it's the same thing. I wrote this up back in February in this post, where I attributed the phenomenon to the confusion of being yanked out of a state of flow, but it seems to be a lot more general than that.

Whether you're a geek or non-geek, whether you're in flow or just concentrating on something tricky, there's that moment of confusion when you're jolted out of your concentration by a chance remark, an innocent question, or even a vitally important but ill-timed message. During that moment, if you say something, there's going to be stress in your voice. You're going to snap at the source of the interruption.

And, especially if they love you, the source of the interruption is going to interpret your tone of voice as angry. Both effects, the snap and the reaction to it, are near-instantaneous and totally automatic. It's all over before either person has a chance to collect their wits and think about what they're saying or hearing.

In most cases, you didn't even notice. What you said and how you said it didn't even register on a conscious level -- you were thinking about something else, after all. The first thing you notice is the reaction.

All you can think to do, once you get that totally unexpected and, to you, totally unfair and unwarranted reaction, is explain what you think happened. All your poor partner/spouse/lover/friend/kid can think is that you're still angry and giving them a dressing-down. Don't go there: you're making things worse. Apologize as quickly as you can, and shut up.

The snapdragon solution

I'm suggesting the code-word "snapdragon" for this -- it's memorable, and somewhat descriptive. "Are you being a snapdragon?" "Sorry; I was a snapdragon there." Actually, just "snapdragon" works fine if you both know the code-word; Colleen has already used it that way this evening, less than an hour after I introduced it.

It'll work in both directions: the first one to notice a snapdragon interaction gets to tag it. Once you've confirmed that it was a snapdragon, you can -- and should -- drop the subject and move on. Preferably move on to something like a kiss or a hug, along with pride at having successfully averted a serious breakdown of communication.

I've already mentioned "Basingstoke" in a similar function, but it doesn't seem to have stuck in this context, perhaps because it's neither as memorable nor as specific. I think I'l save that one for use in the rather different situation where my disagreeing with something Colleen says comes across as not listening.

Just as a linguistic aside, my reaction at being accused of snapping at Colleen used to be something like "I didn't snap at you; you startled me and I couldn't control my voice." Rubbish. I snapped at her. I might not have been angry when I snapped, but "snapping" is the correct word for what I did. Sorry about that, Love.