Done yesterday (20090519)

[mdlbear]

0519 Tu
  * up 6:25ish; W=191.2; drugs, nose, teeth; coffee, C
  . lead sheets:  * Fox  . Golden Vanity  . Living Earth [.=partly chorded]
    o John of Dreams  o Shape of Things
  * spray  * kitchen  * sewing room  * Kat's room
  * clean bedding
  * dial hot water back to safe
  * 3:30ish short walk
    <- insight: I'm really sabotaging myself by procrastinating stuff like
       lamplighters and the flex account stuff.  Why??  Would it help to
       _know_ why, or do I just need a strategy for unlearning it?
  * on the drive home
    <- I seem to be at nearly my old baseline of depression now.  Could that
       have been the point of the exercise?  Or an accidental side effect?
  * pillows for Colleen (king, full height, not down), upstairs guest room.
  x VOTE
  & nice evening in the LR with Colleen
  * bed ~11pm

Not nearly as productive a day as I would have liked, but I did manage to get in to work in the afternoon after doing an almost-respectable amount of work from home in the morning. I also finished chording The Fox, and got a couple of new songs to the point where I can play them if I don't have to sing.

A couple of minor insights from a short walk and the drive home: I'm really sabotaging myself by procrastinating things. Why? Would it help to know why, or should I just concentrate on unlearning the behavior? Is it possible that I'm doing it to get back to a level of depression and anxiety that I'm "comfortable" with?

More questions than insights, I'm afraid.

I spent pretty much the entire evening in the living room with Colleen. That was good. We seem to have established a pattern of going to bed around 11 (we'll see how long that lasts this weekend -- HA!) and we're both starting to sleep better.

Comments

Books?

[capplor.livejournal.com]

Would you believe one called "How Children Fail" by John Holt. It contains a vivid definition of a mindset that might be what you're dealing with.

I don't really think you're sabotaging or punishing yourself or trying to be depressed. A lot of procrastination seems more like a pseudo-successful short-term "push it under the rug" way of dealing with a problem. If you bring it out & examine it, the actions makes no sense but deep down, there is a child thinking, "If I close my eyes for long enough it will go away"

[dormouse-in-tea.livejournal.com]

Is it possible that I'm doing it to get back to a level of depression and anxiety that I'm "comfortable" with?

I'm gonna come back with a big ol' helpful "Maybe". A lot of people scoff at the notion, but long term depression is just like any other habit. Even if we don't deal well, we've learned how to deal with it, and it's understandable and familiar.

I had a solid week once where I wasn't depressed. Frankly, it freaked me out and I spent most of it paralyzed because I simply didn't know what to do with it. You appear to have more cope than I do, but.

[wyld-dandelyon.livejournal.com]

Whether it is better to understand why depends on your nature. For me, it is MUCH better to understand why--if I agree with the reason, I can use logic to figure out a way to accomplish the goal without sabotaging other things. In contrast, if I look at the reason and say "that's not true any more" or even better, "that's ridiculous", then it's easier to eliminate the behavior because I know it is not furthering my goals.

Besides, changing my behavior without understanding has always led me to...um...creative...interpretations of the new rule. Unintentionally creative. And often not helpful or functional.

YMMV

[mdlbear]

I seem to be another one who needs to understand things. I can't fix something if I don't know what's wrong.

[judifilksign.livejournal.com]

Understanding the reason why you procrastinate can help you avoid triggers for doing so. Many times, though, the reason "why" is not avoidable. Many, many people procrastinate under times of huge stress and depression as a coping mechanism.

Pregnant women do it as their bodies change, new parents do it because child care is overwhelming, you have been doing it more often because you are coping with Colleen's at home care, and one of your loved ones at home, a source of support, has moved out and is only long-distance available.

Developing new habits of breaking down the most important most-procrastinated tasks (bill paying, taxes, projects for work, stuff needed to keep the roof over your head) can help the overall pattern. Looking at other procrastinated tasks (will the world fall apart if I don't vaccuum every week?) and prioritizing can ease the guilt of "never" completing something you feel you are obligated to, but aren't as needed as the keeping the roof over your head stuff.

Not beating yourself up over missing deadlines when you're uberstressed is important, too. Picking up and moving forward from this point on is what counts.

[mdlbear]

Sounds like useful advice -- many thanks.