Productivity? What's that?

[mdlbear]

I've actually been fairly productive the last few days. If I'd been this productive two months ago, around the end of March, I'd have my FSA receipts all sorted, the Consonance concerts all up on the web, and be feeling a lot less panicked and harried and depressed.

There's a receipt that I know was on my desk, where I needed it. It's not there now. There's a phone call I should have made 12 hours ago; it's too late now.

As it is, I'm feeling frustrated, panicked, defeated, worthless, and hopeless. Also, paradoxically, bored and restless. I can't focus, can't concentrate, can't sit still, can't relax. Which is not helping.

Knowing that it's some combination of burnout and depression, and that depression lies, doesn't help either. Neither did taking a walk this afternoon, except maybe temporarily.

Comments

[trogula.livejournal.com]

Having struggled through this same inner turmoil all of my life, I want to share the one self care practice that has slowly over time made this much easier to cope with: Zen Meditation (zazen). This, combined with regular exercise and a healthy diet, has made a huge difference for me.

I struggle with both Bipolar II (defined as cyclic depressive periods without the mania of manic depression) and ADHD. The war inside your head that you're describing is very familar to me. As challenging as it is sometimes to sit zazen for even five minutes, this really, really helps.

I would highly recommend the book "Taking the Path of Zen" by Robert Aiken as a gentle and no nonsense introduction to this practice.

[hvideo.livejournal.com]

Frustration - I hear you. This is real. Bored & Restless, yeah, those too.

Worthless and Hopeless, however - those are not real.

You've been doing better ON THE AVERAGE. You're making progress compared to where you were. But that doesn't mean you don't have better days and worse days.

If the walk in the afternoon helps somewhat, another walk might likewise do some good now. It's been a few hours since you posted this, but if you're still up and would like company, or would like to take a walk together, well, I'm a night-owl. I'll still be up for hours anyway.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

Have you tried the obvious - food and sleep?

[lisa-marli.livejournal.com]

Plus a bit of Post Con Crash.
Let's face it - Baycon was Hectic. Colleen's condition didn't help. And some times that craziness actually takes until the Next Weekend to set in. Don't ask me why, it just does. Suddenly you have the time to look around and realize how much still needs doing. Zap!
Don't forget to take care of yourself.
And Congrats on getting the GOH spot. Have fun.

[judifilksign.livejournal.com]

Hugs.

[harmonyheifer.livejournal.com]

Is there a caregiver support group available to you? It sounds to me like you need one. Caregivers burn out pretty quickly if they don't learn to put themselves first and it doesn't sound like you are. Given your situation that is completely understandable, but if you don't correct it, you will regret not doing so.

The thing is, this isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. I say this with over twenty-five years of long-term-care nursing experience. Instead of planning for some time in the future when Colleen can do more for herself, which may or may not be realistic, it would be better to plan for what things are like right now. Find a way to give yourself the rest you need so you can keep doing what you've been doing without crumpling from exhaustion or having a mini-meltdown. If that means hiring help to care for her a couple hours a day or arrange for a friend to be with her so you can escape for a while from your responsibilities then you need to do that. If Collen improves, then you can always spend that extra time together. My guess is that right now Colleen is getting mostly all of her needs met and you aren't. It's classic and completely understandable, and it's a recipe for total disaster.

When you do get some time for yourself, be sure not to squander that time on something that isn't going to give you a physical or emotional boost. Sleep, exercise, something that you enjoy is good. Maybe it could be as simple as an uninterrupted walk or an hour to play your guitar. It could mean going to a quiet place for a much needed nap in the middle of the day. If you listen to your body, it will tell you what it needs. Doing something that isn't self-care during that period like running an errand for Colleen, housework or paying bills isn't going to give you that feeling like you have taken care of you, and that's what is important. Urgent to-do items are crowding out the things that don't seem as urgent, but they may actually be essential for your well-being. You ignore them at your own risk.

I know, easier said than done, but your body and mind are like a checking account. If you start writing checks with no money in the account it gets ugly fast. Caregiving is like that checking account. Sometimes you have to stop long enough to make a deposit before you can make another withdrawal. You sound like you've been writing figurative hot checks ever since Collen came home. If you need a good reason to put yourself first, just think how bad things would get if you ended up sick or out of action. Trust me, protracted self-neglect can trigger just such a scenario.

I'm more worried about you than I am Colleen right now. Please take care.

[phoenixpdx.livejournal.com]

**hugs** first.

As the one with the limited mobility and energy, but not the depression, I still echo others' comments. Taking care of yourself is job #1 because if you aren't available, Colleen is up a crik.

At the same time, remember that you are in the process of adjusting your expectations and goals to accommodate a new reality with you and Colleen. If you are expecting yourself to be able to accomplish as much, or even 3/4 as much as you used to, you will find yourself more frustrated and depressed, because, well...that's unrealistic now. I found it took a long time to readjust what seemed "reasonable". Even now, I overdo it badly (witness yesterday: *3* stores??? what was I *THINKING*??? I haven't been in that much pain in a long long time! One store is usually too much. That's why I delegate the shopping, for the most part. It was a momentary stupidity.)

So be easy on yourself. Delegate as much as possible. Find a support group for caregivers and know that there are others who feel like you do...you are definitely not alone.

Getting the depression treated is surely job 1, and doing the stuff you need to do will be easier if you do it in small chunks. Or at least...that's how it works for me and for my hunny. YMMV, naturally.

Have another *hug*.