Done yesterday (20090817)

[mdlbear]

0817 Mo
  * up 6:40; W=193.4; drugs, nose, teeth; coffee
  * 2:30 Caregiver support group (next meeting Oct. 5)
  * 3:30 work: meeting.  Join in progress when back from group
  ~ 5:30 planets group
  * banking: deposits, cash
  * banking (online) transfer grocery $ to Colleen; pay Flex acct
  * sang Waltzing With Bears to Colleen and Naomi
  * get Emmy's paperwork done (forms under remote-control basket in envelope)
  ! panic, depression, who knows what.  Fell apart completely.
    | stomach muscles all knotted up, pulsing.  crying w/o tears?  Don't know.
  | being held by Colleen helped a lot
  ! Naomi singing me John Denver's "Rhymes and Reasons" helped too
    http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/denver-john/rhymes-and-reasons-11301.html
http://www.azchords.com/j/johndenver-tabs-2055/rhymesandreasons-tabs-223847.html
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPpRyjTP0a0
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhymes_and_Reasons_(John_Denver_album)
  * bed ~12:15

Mostly the day went OK, though it was busy. The caregiver support group at Kaiser wasn't all that useful except to give me a bit of a boost. I didn't stay up, though.

I sang "Waltzing With Bears" to Naomi and Colleen; Naomi in particular needed cheering up.

Somewhere around 10:30 I fell apart, suddenly and completely. Terror, grief, despair -- I have no idea what it was. Or why. It was probably triggered by a post that made me think I was missing the filing deadline for my income tax extension, though that can't have been the whold story or even a large part of it. (It turned out that I was right the first time, and I have until mid-October.) My stomach knotted up, and it felt as though I was crying in huge sobs but without sound or tears.

I knew that what I needed was time in Colleen's arms, but it took a while to get there, especially when a well-meant remark sent me wailing into the living room. I came back and told her that all I wanted was to be held; it was maybe an hour later that I calmed down.

I must have been completely dissociated during all this -- I was calmly observing my physical symptoms and figuring out what I needed, but I still have no idea what I was actually feeling. My stomach tightened up again just writing about it, but the feeling itself is still firmly locked away. That scares me a little.

Eventually I let Colleen go to sleep and came back into the living room. My dear, dear sister-of-choice Naomi sang to me and calmed me down. I finally went to bed around midnight, wrapped in love and music, and a little stuffed-monster whimsy.

Comments

[judifilksign.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, when you bottle stress, it comes out at odd times. You might not have a cause for the crying, just a trigger, which could be as simple as having people you trust in a time span and headspace available for you to have a breakdown.

The "why" is not necessarily important; the "when" may be. Finding times when you can "let it out" can be helpful. It was not luck that you had two people on hand to help out; you allowed yourself the moment when the support network is there.

It's sort of like a post-traumatic stress outlet: the emotions you experience may have an absolute disconnect with what is going on around you. This is due to the fact that you are letting out the stresses and emotions you've stuffed. For many people, this sudden outlet is not expressed in crying or panic, but rage, which can have horrible effects on those around you. Being disassociated with emotions, unable to identify exactly what you are feeling makes me think even more strongly that this is a post-stress response.

[mdlbear]

Thanks. Yes; I have a pretty good idea what the immediate trigger was; I'd really like to know what the underlying problem is, so I can fix it. Right now it's like a landmine, waiting for me to step on it again.