Done yesterday (20110902 Fr)

[mdlbear]

0902 Fr
  * up 6:40; W=196.8; drugs, nose, teeth, hair, dishes, exercise
  * wear EWS T-shirt to work
  @ lightgetsin | Data accessibility 
  x take the van; Colleen wants to go out -> Liz can't lift
  @ The Ferrett's Journal - The View From A Thousand Different Points
  @ The Wordsmith's Forge - The Inelasticity of Demand
  * take netbook and power brick, since computers may get moved early
  = last day in SJ office
  : some confusion about the chair that I brought with me from Menlo. 
  % should maybe have pulled my work to.do file before I packed my computer.
    Not a big deal -- I don't have anything left to do here.  Miss my email
    environment more; the consequence of not using IMAP.  OK, should have
    synced to the little 1TB backup drive -- that's what it's for.
  * Turned in badge and key.  Told Anna about the drive, but I think it's ok
    to still be using it.  Never got a laptop here; brought my own.
  * lunch provided at all hands mtg -> got a fern for my new office, plus
    some chocolate-covered almonds.  Many goodbyes.
  * PAY BILLS - should have done it yesterday
  % I seem to be back to being as bad as ever about phone calls to friends.
    Do Not Like.  Do Not Want.  Not sure what to do about it.  It seems as
    though all it takes is a couple of unanswered calls, and I give up.
  ! worried.  Unhappy with myself.

Hmm. This is a hard one. I'd call it ok, except that I spent pretty much the entire work day saying goodbye to people, which is sad. I'll stop by occasionally, and try to keep in touch in other ways, but it'll still be difficult.

My last day at EWS coincided with with the monthly all-hands meeting, where each of the three of us who were going back to research got handed a fern for our new office, and a couple of bags of chocolate-covered nuts. And tasty food -- burritos from Chipotle -- augmented by platters of spring rolls and fruit brought in by (lab tech) Grace.

I got several hugs, which was nice. People said they'd enjoyed working with me, and mentioned Middle-Sized Bear qualities like gentleness -- that felt a little odd, but good. I gave out a few of my personal cards.

On the gripping hand, I seem to have gone back to being as bad as ever about making phone calls, and especially to friends. I Do Not Like this, and it makes me feel bad about myself, but I'm not sure what to do about it. It's weird, because I like talking to people, but I don't want to interrupt anything more important (of course, anything must be more important than talking to me, right?). *sighs*

Comments

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

Text messaging has made phone calling much less emotionally uncertain. You can text a person and ask "Are you busy? Is this a good time to talk?" (or words to that effect). They'll tell you whether or not you're interrupting anything important - they may very likely even call you. Either way, it eliminates you having to make the initial phone call that triggers the feeling you're not as important as everything else in their life. Then you can work on that self-esteem problem ;-)

[mdlbear]

Good suggestion -- thanks.

Though, even texting is a problem; I think it's not just self-esteem, though that's a large part of it.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

A text message is far less immediately intrusive than a phone call. The recipient can finish what they're doing, or at least reach a convenient break point, before they even reply to you. And you can even say "Call me when you get a chance", thereby removing any necessity for you to initiate a phone call at all.

[mdlbear]

Even though I know this intellectually, it's still hard. In part this is because even though I have a phone with a (tiny) keyboard, it's still a complex operation and I'm always screwing up, hitting send or back when I meant backspace or delete.

But part of it is something weird that I still haven't figured out.

[catsittingstill.livejournal.com]

this is what I do too.

I just feel like, if they're busy they'll ignore the text until they have time to check the phone. If they don't feel like talking, they don't even have to say so; they can just ignore the text.

But this only works if the friend you're planning to call has texting, of course.

[mdlbear]

And if they know what to do when they get one. And if I have enough time and attention to remember to compose a message that they can respond sensibly to by phone or text, even if I don't know which one they're not comfortable with.

Which is to say, it appears to be really easy for me to make up reasons not to initiate the conversation.

[catsittingstill.livejournal.com]

Well, yes. We pre-arranged this. When I am interested in calling, I send my friend a message saying "Chat?" And she either calls me or texts back "Can't. Tomorrow?" or doesn't get back to me in which case I assume she is busy or away from her phone.

But if there are people you want to call regularly, you could arrange this with them when they call--or send them an e-mail asking if they're interested in such an arrangement. Or send a paper letter asking them to text you if they're interested in such an arrangement.

There are all kinds of not-demanding-extra-attention ways to set this up. Whatever you're most comfortable with.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

I think almost anybody who owns a cell phone knows what to do with a text message. As for composing something sensible: a simple "Can you talk now?" will elicit either a text message saying "Yes", a text message saying "No, not now", a text message about continuing the conversation via text messages, or a phone call from the recipient, all at the recipient's convenience and comfort level.

Ask yourself why you keep making up excuses.

[mdlbear]

See "Which is to say, it appears to be really easy for me to make up reasons not to initiate the conversation.", above. It's pretty obvious to me that I'm making up excuses; what's not obvious is why.

Until I figure that out, it's going to continue to be a problem.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

Okay, a little "practicing psychology without a license" here...

What is it you dislike and/or fear about initiating conversations? Why do you dislike and/or fear that? What is the worst thing that could possibly happen if you did initiate a conversation? How likely is it to happen? What if something else happens?

Please note that I am not asking you these questions in order to get answers from you; I'm asking you to ask yourself these questions, and then think hard about your answers. You don't actually have to tell me anything - just follow the line of questioning yourself, to its logical conclusion.

[mdlbear]

Got it. Thanks; that does seem like a good way to approach the problem.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

Sometimes poking yourself in your own brainmeats can be useful :-)

[catsittingstill.livejournal.com]

*hug*

It seems to be bothering you, is all. It's like you find starting a conversation means climbing over a wall to begin.

I wish I could lower the wall. Or get you a ladder.

[mdlbear]

*hug*

Thanks. Yeah, very much like that. I keep thinking that if I could figure out why the wall is there, I could do something about it. acelightning has some good suggestions, but her first question -- "What is it you dislike and/or fear about initiating conversations?" -- that seems the hardest one to answer.

It'll take some thinking, I guess.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

Well, most "land line" phones don't do text messages - and some people still don't have cell phones, or the only phone available to them at a particular time is a land line. This will stop being a problem when everyone gets an implanted subminiature phone as soon as they've learned to talk :-)

[catsittingstill.livejournal.com]

And instead of "pocket dialing" we'll have "pillow dialing"? ;-)

By random four year olds who are likely to forget to turn off their phone at bedtime?

The kids will start believing in spirits--but the spirits are all cranky grownups who tell them to turn their phones off.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

Well, maybe not as soon as they learn to talk... but I've seen kids who looked no older than eight or ten with their own phones...

[catsittingstill.livejournal.com]

I have also seen the occasional young kid with a phone (and there might well be more I don't notice, since phones live so conveniently in pockets and backpacks.) I can certainly understand why parents would want to be able to have contact with their kids frequently.

I imagine the whole "mom being mad because I was gone the whole afternoon and didn't tell her where I was going" thing becomes more rare. But worse when it does happen because "Mom expected me to have my phone on me and I didn't."

I wonder if anyone is keeping track of these changes.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

There are phones especially designed for children; their built-in GPS will automatically alert a parent if the child strays outside a specified distance from home, or goes to specified "off-limits" locations. I think that some models even allow the parent to query the child's GPS for her/his exact location. I'm not sure whether this is a wonderful idea or a terrible idea :-(

[catsittingstill.livejournal.com]

Oh wow. Yes, I see the issues. How much privacy does a child have a right to? How much control should a parent have? If children ditch their phones to go places they shouldn't, what does that mean in terms of their safety?

Yeah, I wonder where these things are going to go.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

On the one hand, it's useful for a parent to know when their child is cutting school, or lied about going to the library to study and went to the mall instead. And the location information will show where a child is if that child is kidnapped. I suspect that it would be quite a dilemma for a child: if they leave the phone in an acceptable place so they won't be caught going somewhere they shouldn't, they lose their constant interaction with their friends via calls, text messages, and Twitter.

You're right, though - just how much privacy does a child have a right to? I always had to tell my mother where I was going, who was going to be there, what we were going to do, and when I'd be home, before I went anywhere. And she did occasionally veto my choices. If we'd had cell phone/GPS technology fifty years ago, my life might have turned out very different...

[kyrielle]

I think it depends on the kid and circumstance. For example, if you give a phone to your 5-year-old...I can see that being a great feature. To a 14-year-old? Not at all.

What about an 8-year-old with some form of developmental delay?

Etc.

Totally unscientifically, I just asked my 2-year-old whether, if someone gave him a cell phone of his own, he would like it to tell Mommy where he is, and he said that would make him happy.

Of course, two-year-old opinions sometimes change faster than I can type - and I can type pretty fast. Also, I am not giving my two-year-old a phone. He'll have to settle for stealing mine and playing Chuzzles occasionally. :P

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

I think it would be very difficult to get a two-year-old to understand how to use a phone responsibly. As a rough guide, I say that any child who's capable of riding a bus to school is probably capable of using a cell phone, and would probably benefit from the additional parental supervision provided by a phone designed for children. Somewhere between 12 and 15 - as you say, depending on the child - the "leash" should be loosened.

Although even when I was in my forties, with a husband and a child of my own, whenever I visited my father he'd ask me to phone him when I got home so he'd know I'd gotten home safely. We had a "family signal", from the days of land-line phones - just let it ring twice, then hang up. And when he visited me, I'd ask him to do the same.

[kyrielle]

The only issue I have with that is that occasionally my carrier will lose a text message for a few hours. Annoying - especially if it was time-related....

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

That happens to me, but only rarely. And sometimes I'll get a second copy of a message, hours later, which is even weirder.

[mdlbear]

I don't think I've noticed this with text, but voice mail has turned up as much as a day late, and sometimes I get a voice mail that was sent when I had the phone in my pocket and never heard a ring or got a missed call notification.

[catsittingstill.livejournal.com]

This happens to me sometimes too. I think my pockets are so loose that if I have the phone set on vibrate I don't always feel it.

[mdlbear]

I rarely set my phone on vibrate, but I don't keep the alarm volume all the way up, either. And my hearing isn't as good as it used to be, though how much of that is due to not having attention to spare and how much to genetics, I couldn't say.

[willowisp.livejournal.com]

I understand completely. I don't like talking on the phone, and I dislike texting even more, to the point of only texting when Andy really really really stresses that he would prefer I text him.

[mdlbear]

Yeah. See reply above to acelightning. Even with email, which I'm totally comfortable with, I rarely start a conversation.

[chipuni.livejournal.com]

Best wishes with your new team!

[mdlbear]

Thanks!

[kyrielle]

This only works with people you call regularly, but with Scott, I have a simple agreement - "If I call and you're busy or not in the mood, just don't answer. If I urgently need to talk to you, I will call a second time. If it was just for a status update or to convey info, I will leave a message. If it was just to chat, I won't leave a message or call back."

So I know that if it's a bad time, he won't pick up...unless I call back the second time, which indicates I really really need to talk to him NOW if possible.

[mdlbear]

*nods* I know some other people with a similar arrangement. But, as you say, it requires agreeing ahead of time.

[jcfiala.livejournal.com]

I'm similar with phone calls - I don't get really worked up about making them, usually, but I just don't think to do it, and as such I don't see friends much unless it's something they've initiated.

And I hate answering the phone at work. Ooh, that gives me shivers. It's better if we've got someone in the office who is the usual gatekeeper and sends calls where they want to go.

[mdlbear]

Shared office phone? That would be ghastly. *shudders*