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[mdlbear]

I ran completely out of cope last night, about 11pm, in the process of getting Colleen into the bedroom. I think I'm a little better now, but probably still fragile. I lost it several times: gibbering, almost completely non-verbal in either direction, and occasionally sobbing silently and without actual tears. This is going to be harder than I expected. I haven't been that out of cope since one night when the Y.D. was a month or so old, sitting on the floor by her crib at some ungodly hour in the morning trying to wake up enough to pick her up and change her. Maybe not even then.

Taught my son-in-law to make fried matzoh this morning -- the Y.D. is home from school today because she can barely walk with her injured knee, and wanted comfort food.

Meta: note that I've switched tags from colleen-200812 to colleen-200901 to mark the fact that she's home from the hospital now.

I think maybe I'm ok now. OK enough to get through the day; that's all I can hope for at this point.

Comments

Coping

[hvideo.livejournal.com]

Many of us in your situation tend to make some common errors in evaluating how much help is needed. Here are some that I, personally, have made:

1. We tend to evaluate the situation in terms of "What is the absolute minimum amount of help that I would need?" This is often calculated by assuming we only need 4 hours sleep per night and various other "I can take it" assumptions on how much cope we have.

Any machine needs standard maintenance. A machine being run at 150% of normal load often needs 200% or more of standard maintenance. Humans tend to be the same. Oh, they may be able to take a heavy load for a short period of time under even reduced maintenance - but they wear out fast when used in that manner. Others mentioned getting enough sleep - that's a great start. But plan for some other Mandlebear Maintenance time as well.


2. We tend to ignore accumulated drain on cope. An amount of extraordinary effort that is possible the first few days may become impossible by the end of the first week, let alone longer periods. This can be compounded if we make a claim early on that "I can handle it" - we hate having to admit that we were wrong and that more help really is needed. Far better to ask for more help than we think we need at first. Usually it turns out that we still didn't ask for enough. If we DID ask for too much, it is much easier to later say "OK, I'm confident that I can take back (certain tasks) now" than it is (in the opposite situation) to say "OK, I admit that I need more help than I thought."


3. We tend to think that "I'm the only one that can do (some specific tasks) correctly." While it is often true that someone without guidance might do a task in a somewhat different manner, having it done in that somewhat different manner is usually much better than us trying to do it perfectly. Also, often a small bit of instruction will get things pretty close to how we like them done - and pretty close should be close enough to live with. I know that sometimes it seems that everything is spinning out of control. Doing certain tasks in PRECISELY the way we want them done can sometimes give us a good feeling "Well, at least THAT part of my life is in control." But in general we get more benefit by delegating what we can.

So my advice is this: since you are having trouble looking at it from the "What help do I need?" direction, turn it around. Make a list of the various tasks that need to be done each week and ask yourself "Which tasks can reasonably be done by others?" Farm out AS MANY AS POSSIBLE at first, and only take back various tasks as it becomes clear that you have enough cope to handle them long term.

I can provide transportation much of the time, go grocery shopping and run various other typical errands. Given a bit of training I could presumably stay with Colleen if you needed to go out. If I did laundry I might not be able to sort it (not always knowing which item belonged to which person) and I might fold it in a different manner than people are accustomed to, but I could get it clean and folded so others would just have to claim what was theirs. I can load the dishwasher and with a bit of exploration could unload and put things away (with a few "Where does this go?" questions, no doubt) and so on for typical household tasks. I can also bring guitar and recorder and sing/play for Colleen (or you, for that matter), or bring various Filk DVDs from Consonances and Baycons and such.

Re: Coping

[mdlbear]

Many thanks! Colleen actually can stay by herself most of the day; she only needs expert help getting on and off the IV line. The household chores are pretty well covered at this point.

Companionship and emotional support would be very welcome.

Re: Coping

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

Wow, you've nailed it perfectly! Knowing what specific kinds of help are needed makes it much easier to help. (Although it's also useful for at least one or two people to be able to figure out what needs to be done without being told, because sometimes the person who needs the help either doesn't realize exactly what they do need, or is already so stressed that they can't communicate it well.)

Re: Coping

[mdlbear]

...and my earlier reply to hvideo's comment indicates that I really have no idea what kind of help I need. :(

Re: Coping

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

As he points out, make a list of what you do, possibly with brief descriptions of how you do it - e.g., "Load dirty dishes into dishwasher. Run dishwasher. Put away clean dishes. Note: If dishwasher detergent runs low, only buy XYZ brand, because it's the only kind that doesn't set off my allergies." Then you can make the list generally available to people who want to help, and they can volunteer for whatever they feel most qualified to do.