The Mandelbear's Musings

( Content warning: sad anniversaries. )

A lot of things still need doing. Getting Colleen's name off bank accounts. Tracking down online accounts. Tracking down subscriptions. Finding a new executor for my will, and a health care power-of-attorney (which neither of us ever did because we were mutually next-of-kin). Find a lawyer, which we never did either.

Downsizing and moving is a big one. Deciding what to throw out, what to give away, what to move to Seattle, and when. What I can't bear to part with. What to sell, including the expensive and still-good items like the patient lift and her scooter. Scooters. Actually selling things, which I've been putting off for years.

And that's not even counting the stuff in the garage and scattered around the house that hasn't been done since we moved in, in 2017. (Some of which hasn't been looked at since we left the Starport in 2012.) Hanging artwork. Clearing off the workbench and installing lights in the garage. And the unfinished projects, most still hanging around from previous workbenches I never cleared off.

I think another large part of what's going on in my head is that I haven't yet adjusted to my new living situation. I'm splitting my time between Seattle and Freeland, and neither really feels like home right now. Maybe three months isn't long enough? Very little of my Stuff has been moved; I'm still carting a suitcase back and forth every weekend. I haven't put anything on the walls, or in all but two drawers of the huge dresser that once held most of Colleen's clothing while we lived at Rainbow's End.

There's no damned reason why I haven't done the things except that they're very uncomfortable to think about. Which I suppose is my usual reason for not doing things. Some, like selling stuff, are uncomfortable because I've never done them before. (Have I mentioned that I procrastinate? Or did I put that off as well?) I try to at least do one thing every weekend. It would be nice if I could get that up to one thing every day, but don't hold your breath.

I've been drifting -- going down Wikipedia rabbit-holes, re-reading the Foundation series, puttering around with computers (instead of actually, you know, writing code. Or writing much of anything else.) I guess I've been drifting for most of the last three years, but at least a couple of times a day I'd have to stop drifting and do something for Colleen. Now I'm just adrift. Caregiving was a major part of my life, and it's not there anymore -- there's this huge hole I haven't figured out how to fill yet.

Today is Mother's Day, and it's the first without my usual call to Mom.

...and Colleen has been in hospitals (three so far) and rehab for the last forty days. I've had better Mother's Days.

A week. Mostly spent caring for Colleen, doing household chores, Getting A Few Things Done, making sure everything on Sable is ready to be replaced with fresh installs, and researching how to set up a computer to boot multiple OSs using EFI and the GPT partition table format. Documentation for this is thinner on the ground than one would like. (I started actually doing it today.)

Things that Got Done included ordering two new Thinkpad keyboards (the Bluetooth one will ship in "more than five weeks", which is why I ordered the other one), calling a handyman to (finally) make a concrete pad for the end of the ramp to replace the gravel nightmare that's there now, and writing a few posts. Actually, five posts, which is a little more than usual. Between the writing and various computer tasks I was actually able to get into flow a few times, which is good and keeps me from looking at the news.

... and Mom's not doing all that well. I mean, she's doing really well for someone who's 99 years old and on hospice care, but that's not really saying very much.

( Notes & links, as usual )

I was talking on the phone with Mom this evening; she mentioned that yesterday would have been her 65th anniversary, if Dad were still alive.

I told her that I mention her whenever the subject of breast cancer comes up -- she had her surgery in 1953 and 1966. Hang in there!

I don't suppose it's entirely a coincidence that I've been listening to a sermon on grief that I got from this post by gmcdavid, is it?