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mdlbear: blue fractal bear with text "since 2002" (Default)

This week wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been -- I'll take it. A week that begins with Amethyst's birth(?)day, and includes a lot of moving prep, the anniversaries of two atomic bombings, and some heavy reading, has the potential to be really bad. In fact, it wasn't, possibly because I was too busy to notice. And because the reading in question, The Overstory by Richard Powers, after going through some very harrowing parts, ends with calm, dark optimism, and tenuous hope.

Despite what I said about The Overstory, I highly recommend it. It reminded me a little of Moby Dick with the way that a huge amount of lore (about trees rather than whales) is woven throughout the text. And it doesn't kill off as many of the main characters. There are video reviews under Saturday. I'm not sure I'm up to writing a review, but I might try. Meanwhile, read more reviews and approach it with some caution, and a lack of respect for mornings.

Amethyst would have been 34 years old last Sunday. I didn't write a memorial post. Maybe later.

Apparently I'm aphantastic, or maybe hypophantastic. (Links under Tuesday.)

Two or more cups of coffee is associated with a 28% lower risk of dementia. The article adds that moderate tea drinking also lowers your risk, but doesn't say by how much.

Notes & links, as usual )

mdlbear: Wild turkey hen close-up (turkey)

Today I am grateful for...

  • Being alive. No, I have not had any close calls this week, but some of my recent reading has been on the grim side.
  • Being sufficiently close to okay that it's hard to tell whether I am or not. I'll settle for that.
  • Gentle Giant Moving Company.
  • Nostalgia.
  • Learning that hypophantasia is a thing, and probably applies to me.

mdlbear: blue fractal bear with text "since 2002" (Default)

Busy week. That's probably a Good Thing. Less time for moping. Three walks, only one short guitar practice session, but also four medical appointments (one in person), several phone calls (GAAK), and two remote document signings. One of which was the purchase agreement for our new house in Den Haag. Closing is September 20th. EEEP!

I think I may be getting old. It sucks. August is National Make a Will Month, but I haven't done that yet. Soon.

OTOH, I've at least gotten used to the idea of being mortal. The alternative isn't worth contemplating, because Graham's number.

My daughter Amethyst would have been 34 years old today. Our cat, Desti, died a year ago Tuesday. I should fed the cats and go to bed.

Notes & links, as usual )

mdlbear: Wild turkey hen close-up (turkey)

Today I am grateful for...

mdlbear: Three rabbits dancing (rabbit-rabbit-rabbit)

Welcome to August, 2024! Happy Lughnasadh / Lammas to those who celebrate it. May your harvests be bountiful.

mdlbear: blue fractal bear with text "since 2002" (Default)

I've set this post's mood field to "cautiously hopeful", based on last Sunday's upheaval on the Democratic ticket. It's reason to hope, but I'm not going to go as far as being optimistic yet. Other than that it's been a fairly busy and "productive" week -- scare quotes because although I've gotten a few things done, I suspect that it doesn't rise to the level of what most people would consider productivity. I'll take it nevertheless.

I'll also take the two walks and one music practice, which are similarly inadequate. I can do better. But -- multiple phone interactions. I'm far enough past the edge of my comfort zone that I have to remember not to look down.

I had a nice long zoom call with my brother last Sunday as well. The excuse was my plan to close out my share of Mom's trust, but we had a good conversation while waiting for Mom's lawyer to join the call.

Wednesday was ysabetwordsmith | Celebrate International Self-Care Day, but I didn't find out until Thursday. No matter. I'm not sure it's a holiday I can celebrate effectively.

Scattered throughout the week you'll find follow-up articles on the Cloudstrike mess.

Notes & links, as usual )

mdlbear: Wild turkey hen close-up (turkey)

Today I am grateful for...

  • Getting (some) things done. Prodding from N and others.
  • Plans in progress. (More after things are a little more firm.)
  • Weird books.
  • Arthritis medicine for cats.
  • Being in what some people here consider reasonably good health. N in particular thinks I'm doing pretty well for my age. I'm always comparing myself to people like V and my mom.
  • Getting out of my comfort zone. That mainly means doing things that I've been procrastinating for I don't know how long. It may have partly to do with realizng that life is short.

mdlbear: Wild turkey hen close-up (turkey)

Yeah, so this was actually written on Friday the 19th, but I somehow forgot to post it. No idea why, except maybe having too much fun following the Cloudstrike debacle. Anyway, ...

Today I am last week I was grateful for...

  • Not running Windows, so being immune to this morning's Cloudstrike outage. (But UPS is running late, and if they don't deliver my cancer meds by Wednesday I'm going to be annoyed.) NO thanks to the local Bartell's, which doesn't even have that for an excuse.)
  • Not not having had any travel planned for today.
  • Also not being in a hospital.
  • Prime Day prices.
  • No longer working at $A, so not being on call for Prime Day.
  • Being more resilient than I thought I was.

mdlbear: blue fractal bear with text "since 2002" (Default)

Pretty good week for me. That's because I wasn't affected -- much -- by the Crowdstrike incident. I did my air traveling on Monday, I'm retired, and I don't use Windows. One of my $A orders was delayed, but at least it didn't go astray. Your mileage may vary.

Monday we flew back from the Netherlands; I watched the two most recent (2021 and 2024) Dune movies on the plane. Not too bad; could have been better, especially at the end, which they totally mangled. But not nearly as bad as the 1984 version.

I seem to have forgotten to post the Thankful Thursday post that I wrote last Friday. Grump. I may wait and combine it with this week's. Or maybe post it Tuesday -- "Thankful Monday" just sounds wrong.

I took advantage of a few Prime Day deals; some of those may have been ill-advised. $A has a good return policy, fortunately.

For links, have a look at EdZitron's scathing article about "CrowdStruck". Will anything change? probably not. Also, Tuesday has some links about Gray Eyes (my favorite color, for obvious reasons).

Notes & links, as usual )

mdlbear: blue fractal bear with text "since 2002" (Default)

It's been a surprisingly good, unsuprisingly short, and occasionally scary week; the second and last in my trip with N in The Netherlands. Quite a lot of back-and-forthing between Den Haag and Leiden. Yesterday I spent all afternoon helping j put flat-pack furniture together; we got a couple of pieces mostly finished, thwarted by the lack of a hammer for nailing on backs. (Cue obvious song.)

I marked the third anniversary of Colleen's death on Friday with a post and a cup of green tea. Also I miss my cats.

I've decided not to bother logging walking statistics for this trip, except to note that I went over 3,000 steps on five days in the last week, and actually got over 20 "heart points" on Wednesday. I might need to see whether $G Fit can export data in any useful format. Or switch apps. Or buy a ring or a watch?

Links this week include Daniel Simu And His Dancing Robot SURPRISE The Judges With Acrobotics! (with a tip of the hat to ysabetwordsmith), and Oxford University Mathematician REACTS to "Animation vs. Math" (the entire "Animation vs. {Math, Physics, Geometry} series is well worth watching, along with the corresponding reactions -- you can find them all by chasing links).

Notes & links, as usual )

mdlbear: (rose)

Colleen died three years ago today, after a long battle with Crohn's Disease and recurring drug-resistant infections. I went through most of the day not thinking about her. (Although I grabbed a tray of sushi at the grocery store across the street, without consciously realizing why. Sushi restaurants were among our favorite places to eat out.)

If I were at home I'd raise a glass of single malt in her honor. I may do it in one of the Callahans incarnations; then again, I probably won't. Instead, I'm having a cup of green tea, looking at the vase of dried flowers on the little table in my hotel room, and thinking how much she would have liked it here. Remembering all the cups of tea we shared in Japanese, Chinese, and Indian restaurants all up and down the West Coast.

If I had a guitar here I'd be singing her favorite song, "Lily, Rosemary, and the Jack of Hearts", and my favorite song about her, "Eyes Like the Morning", and wondering whether I'd get through the last verse without crying.

I'm not doing too badly, all things considered. Just a little down, and (for unrelated reasons) nine timezones out of my comfort zone.

Goodnight, Love. Sleep well. I will always love you.

mdlbear: Wild turkey hen close-up (turkey)

Today I am grateful for...

  • Taking chances. Being out of my comfort zone.
  • Pushing through the scary parts. (It'll get worse, so we'll see how that goes.)
  • Starting to get back into walking. Also getting back to some of the exercises that I've been neglecting.
  • Nuts and dried fruit. With or without yogurt and fresh berries.
  • Transacting business online.
  • Pocket supercomputers cleverly disguised as telephones.

mdlbear: blue fractal bear with text "since 2002" (Default)

A pretty (surprisingly) good week. Considering everything that could have gone wrong... Okay, pretty good if you ignore US politics. But I've spent the entire week in The Netherlands, so I don't have to worry about it until I get back, except at night when I can't get to sleep.

Lots of walking. Which I haven't been logging for some reason; I may have to go back and correct that manually in the file (but not this post). But I've been getting in a decent amount every day except Friday. (My goal on $G Fit is 3,000 steps/day. I don't always reach it, and hardly ever hit $G's goal of 150 "heart points", which represent minutes of "vigorous" walking, but don't take hills and stairs into account. Seattle is full of hills like the one just east of our house, and Dutch houses are nororious for their steep stairs.)

Let's see... Sunday and half of Monday were about travel -- we arrived at 8:15, took the train to Leiden, and checked in at the Golden Tulip (within sight of the station) somewhere around 10:30. After dropping our bags there, we went with j to his new apartment. It's gorgeous vaulted ceiling, wood (pine?) floors, and up a flight of steep stairs.

Tuesday we checked out and dragged our bags up those stairs, then went out with j to buy housewares. Then we took an Uber to our hotel in Den Haag. Which was expensive, but we didn't want to have to get our bags on and off trains. It would have worked fine except that the hotel is on a street that's closed to auto traffic. Oops. After that we took public transit everywhere -- dead easy once we got used to it. The OV-chipkaart works sufficiently like the Seattle area's ORCA card to be familiar.

Wednesday we vegetated.

Thursday we went to Leiden and got j a nice used e-bike. Heavy, but that's what the motor is for. Good place.

We went out again for groceries, because j's Albert Heijn is better than the one across from the hotel. Still has some weird gaps. I have not been able to find either distilled water or chewable calcium carbonate antacid. Not at the local drugstore, either -- they carried distilled water but it's been out of stock all week, near as I can tell. WTF?

Friday we went back to Leiden to help j bring home a second-hand table. The shop is marvelous -- I'm assuming we'll be back from time to time. N and j carried the thing home -- a half-dozen or so blocks -- while I wrangled doors and so on. Naturally it picked that time to rain. Getting it up j's stairs was arduous (for N and j -- I stayed out of the way).

My bladder is behaving itself so far. My back and hips a little less so, but I'm managing.

Link of the week: David Attenborough's Natural History Museum Alive (2014) - YouTube (AKA "David Attenborough's "Night at the Museum".)

Not a link to the thing itself, but Everything, Everywhere, All at Once was a really fun movie -- I watched in the plane on the way over. Hard to describe -- just see it if you have a chance.

Notes & links, as usual )

mdlbear: Wild turkey hen close-up (turkey)

Today I am grateful for...

  • Finding a good e-bike shop in Leiden. (N bought j a bike; it's a good place.)
  • Real bread. With real crust! (Not to mention a traveling companion who doesn't like the heels.)
  • David Attenborough's Natural History Museum Alive (2014) - YouTube (AKA David Attenborough's Night at the Museum.) (via N.)
  • Dried fruit. At hand tonight: apricots, prunes, and dates. My main source of fiber these days.

mdlbear: Three rabbits dancing (rabbit-rabbit-rabbit)

Welcome to July, 2024!

Edit: fix location. I was a bit out of it last night; this was posted after I'd been awake for about 24 hours.

mdlbear: (river)

Part 1.

Well, we're on our way to the Netherlands. We're somewhere southeast of Greenland as I write this. After a somewhat disorganized day of packing, during which I decided -- correctly, as it turned out -- that my nice new Travelpro backpack wouldn't fit under a seat, so I re-packed my drugs, headphones, charging gear, laptop, and shoulder bag(!) into my old red REI backpack (nicknamed Red, of course). Where they fit perfectly. And realized that the stuffable Eddie Bauer dufflebag I was using for my CPAP, jacket, etc. was going to be too awkward, so I re-packed that into my old MEI convertible backpack/suitacase, where it also fit perfectly.

That backpack is old. Older than my kids, I think. It holds about as much as my Travelpro 21" (or is it 22) carry-on. Which I checked. But it's a lot less densely packed, so it's manageable without wheels.

For some reason my laptop won't connect to the onboard WiFi. And N is borrowing my phone because she left hers charging in the car. So I'm getting by perfectly well on some preloaded DW posts, onboard entertainment, and emacs. I watched Everything, Everywhere, All at Once, which was just the right sort of madcap action and heartwarming ending that I think I needed just now. I decided on music rather than trying to break the mood by watching Dune. Maybe on the way back, two weeks from now.

The plan is to deliver j to his apartment in Leiden, where he will be attending University in the fall, spend the night with N in the Golden Tulip (where we stayed last trip), then spend the rest of the time in the Cove Centrum/Passage in Den Haag. (That's Dutch for The Hague; despite speaking less Dutch than a toddler at this point it's still easier to use Dutch for place names. Saves time in train stations.) We will be going back to Leiden occasionally -- j needs a new computer for school, among other things -- doing paperwork, and looking at houses. It's rather unlikely that we'll find anything this trip; we're booked into short-term housing in Den Haag starting in October.

Part 2

It's weird. As I mentioned last week, my brain seems to have turned a corner somehow, a couple of weeks ago, and a great deal of my depression seems to have lifted. I don't know how long this will last, but I'm not complaining. I don't think I know how to even talk about it. (See also, alexithymia.)

My cancer diagnosis and ongoing treatment may have something to do with it. I don't know long I can expect to live -- it could be anything between five and twenty-five years. Or I could get hit by a bus a week from now. But I've gotten used to the fact that I'm mortal. And, perhaps not entirely unrelated, non-binary.

We'll be flying over Ireland in a little while.

Part 3

... and now we're in Leiden, after a very long day. It's 10:30 am here. I'm going to post this and try to take a nap.

mdlbear: blue fractal bear with text "since 2002" (Default)

Not a bad week. Four walks (one very short), and five! guitar practice sessions (all very short, but I'm trying to get my calluses back in shape.) Some good conversations with support people; see Monday in particular. This will be a bit short, because I'm leaving soon with N and j for two weeks in Leiden and Den Haag.

I should be excited, but I'm mostly worried about how my bladder is going to handle the trip.

Notes & links, as usual )

mdlbear: Wild turkey hen close-up (turkey)

Today I am grateful for...

  • Travelpro luggage. Including the backpack I ordered last night, and my elderly 22" Crew 3 rollaboard (which may be older than at least one of my kids).
  • Knowing that there's no such thing as "doing grief wrong".
  • Overnight and one-day delivery from $A.
  • Kind cranberry-almond bars. Also almonds, and nuts in general.
  • Dried fruit, whole grains, and other sources of fiber.
  • Loading the dishwasher as a mindfulness practice.
  • My niblings j, k, and m (and others, but the ones I'm living with in particular).
  • As usual, the cats. Especially cuddly purring cats in bed with me, even if they make it take longer to get to sleep and much harder to get out of bed in the morning.

mdlbear: blue fractal bear with text "since 2002" (Default)

If you happen to be developing websites using the polyfill.io javascript library, drop everything and DELETE IT NOW! The domain was purchased by what's said to be a Chinese malware organization, which is using the library to redirect users to sport betting websites. More at

@ solarbird | if you use polyfill dot io, stop RIGHT NOW and read this @ Renaud Chaput: "polyfill.io malware injection" - Oisaur @ Remove Polyfill.io code from your website immediately • The Register @Polyfill.io JavaScript supply chain attack impacts over 100K sites

... and a tip of the hat to solarbird, who put me on to this.

If you develop websites using a framework or javascript library but you're not sure what a polyfill is, search your codebase for the string "polyfill.io". Then look it up and either eliminate it as a dependency, or find a different place to fetch it from.

This, BTW, is one more reason to like Chris Ferdinandi's's Daily Developer Tips | Go Make Things.

mdlbear: blue fractal bear with text "since 2002" (Default)

On the whole not a bad week. Some annoyances -- Bronx being a cat (turning on my CPAP by stepping on the button, barfing on the floor), company websites being extremely annoying (I'm looking at you, gastrohealth.com), electronics being unpredictable (the monitor in the Lair being temporarily broken for unknown reasons), car chargers being out of service, and COVID interfering with two different events. But nobody close to me died, there was some good music, I had some fun Wikipedia dives, some good conversations, and lots of cat cuddle, and both my kids sent me Father's Day messages.

I think being a cancer survivor may have changed my perspective a bit. I'm not complaining.

Three walks, not enough other exercise (3 sessions), not nearly enough writing, and not enough guitar practice (2 days logged, though I'm not very consistent about that). I'm not too consistent about logging water intake, either. On the gripping hand I'm getting more fiber in my diet thanks mainly to dried apricots.

The STANCE (Seattle Trans And Nonbinary Choral Ensemble) concert that was cancelled Saturday due to COVID exposure was, fortunately, livestreamed on Friday; you can find it on YT at True Colors: A Pride Concert. I'd intended to make it an s4s, but (as usual) didn't; I may revisit that once it gets a stable URL on the STANCE website. It's notable because (1) my nibling k is in it, and (2) the third piece is a setting of one of my favorite Yeats poems, “Aedh Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven”.

The Festival of the Living Rooms included a panel on Making Music When You’re Neurodivergent, also recorded from the livestream.

Have a good week!

Notes & links, as usual )

mdlbear: Wild turkey hen close-up (turkey)

Today I am grateful for...

  • The filk community.
  • The Festival of the Living Rooms, our monthly virtual filk convention.
  • The Fediverse.
  • Coffee, a tasty psychoactive beverage with other health benefits. (YMMV)
  • Have I mentioned Dreamwidth lately?
  • Walks (when I don't procrastinate taking one).
  • Pickled veggies.

mdlbear: blue fractal bear with text "since 2002" (Default)

Not really a great week, but it had its moments. A lot of late-night ruminating (mostly compensated by cat cuddles, though), a lot to worry about, a lot of stuckness, and a song request Friday that came out of left feld with a trigger I'd never anticipated. Maybe I'll add that to the next s4s (which I'd wanted to write for this Saturday. Or was it the week before?)

I only took four walks, but I did make two unscheduled posts and send a couple of emails. And although I didn't make much music (and see above), I've spent this weekend "attending" the Festival of the Living Rooms, the monthly Zoom-based filk-con. The only problem is that it's really hard for me to get any writing--or much of anything else--done when I can hear singing. If I'm lucky I might find enough songs that I'm willing to skip that I'll be able to finish this by the end of the day.

And don't forget to update your Windows machines.

Notes & links, as usual )

mdlbear: blue fractal bear with text "since 2002" (Default)

A tip of the hat to solarbird's post titled: "uh if you have windows and wifi this is VERY IMPORTANT" -- and it is. If you haven't updated Windows this week, DO IT NOW. This affects all currently-supported versions of Windows.

Let me present CVE-2024-30078 - Microsoft - Windows Wi-Fi Driver Remote Code Execution Vulnerability. The money quote is:

According to the CVSS metric, the attack vector is adjacent (AV:A). What does that mean for this vulnerability?

Exploiting this vulnerability requires an attacker to be within proximity of the target system to send and receive radio transmissions.

How could an attacker exploit the vulnerability?

An unauthenticated attacker could send a malicious networking packet to an adjacent system that is employing a Wi-Fi networking adapter, which could enable remote code execution.

It does not say whether the target machine (you) needs to be connected to the WiFi network -- because this is happening at the driver level, probably not. It affects Windows 11, Windows 10, and all versions of Windows Server back to 2008.

It also doesn't say whether earlier, unsupported versions of Windows are affected, but it's safe to assume that they probably are as well. So if you're running, say, Windows 7, there's never been a better time to upgrade to Linux.

More:

mdlbear: Wild turkey hen close-up (turkey)

Today I am grateful for...

  • Water. Also the fact that over the last year I have learned to drink it at room temperature (or preferably a little below) rather than iced. (Also its physical and chemical properties are unusual in many fascinating respects. Which I do not need to chase down a rabbit hole right now.)
  • Dried apricots in bulk. They are especially good with dark chocolate.
  • Epsom salt.
  • Solace. Along those lines, Crossing the Owl's Bridge: A Guide for Grieving People Who Still Love by Kim Bateman (content warning: death, grieving).
  • Pet supplies, delivered. (Specifically cat fud, litter, and litter box liners). Chewy.
  • The purple 24-cell model sitting on my desk (between the steel 120-cell and the devil duck).

mdlbear: (river)

When I started -- more than a month ago -- to write a post about my spiritual beliefs and practices, I suddenly noticed that I was actually writing a chronological memoir. I changed course and prepended a fairly crisp summary of what I believe, then posted it separately. This is the remaining memoir. I tried several different verbs in the title, including staggering and stumbling, but, well, Yeats. There was never much uncertainty about the "destination" -- the concept of "awareness" comes from Reformed Druidism (which I'll get to in a few paragraphs). It is more ambiguous and has fewer connotations than "enlightenment" or "revelation". But in any case I don't claim to have arrived at it. I'm still journeying.

It's mostly about stories.

I'm not particularly happy about how this has turned out -- it's long, but leaves a lot out (meaning it may be too short), and it's somewhat disorganized. But I started it last month and haven't worked on it in the past week, so it's what it is.)

Cut for length. Content warning: death (body count: four), and a little religion. )

mdlbear: blue fractal bear with text "since 2002" (Default)

Not a bad week. Got a few things done. Not enough, though. It's never enough, and I seem to have an aversion to finishing things. WTF, brain? Health-wise I've sometimes been feeling vaguely "off", especially in the evening; don't know what's up with that.

I'm back to a qualified "okay" for mood, because of persistant worries. But I had a good hour or so with both cats in bed this morning, and a lot of good cat cuddle other times this week, and I'm not complaining. And I went for a walk five days this week. (Not nearly so good about my normal morning exercises. Bronx has a little to do with that — I always used to do the standing exercises in the bathroom, but Bronx + bathroom = havoc.)

I had a good talk with Jonathan, my oncology social worker, on Wednesday, mostly about music and emotions. Apparently even though I'm not very good at verbalizing my emotions when asked (cf. alexithymia), they sometimes come out in songs. Maybe that's because in songs I don't have to actually name them. Also maybe because I don't write songs very often. The songs in question deserve a full-on post — I'd planned on posting an s4s but got sidetracked. Maybe next week, although as I have often mentioned, I have the memory of a mayfly on crack. So maybe not.

According to LJ I've been writing this blog for 22 years as of Saturday. Of course all the posts, and the posting, have moved over here to DW, and LJ broke cross-posting. That's their problem.

And, Public Service Announcement: don’t install any version of Windows 11 that can run copilot/recall (via @solarbird; more links under Tuesday). Don't believe Microsoft when they say they've fixed it, or that it won't run on your down-rev PC. There's never been a better excuse to switch to Linux.

Notes & links, as usual )

mdlbear: Wild turkey hen close-up (turkey)

Today I am grateful for...

  • EV’s being much less expensive to service than infernal combustion cars.
  • Cheap, powerful SBCs (like the one I just ordered from Pine64).
  • Not having a computer capable of running Windows 11, let alone Copilot+ Recall.
  • Starliner making it to the International Space Station despite having been made by Boeing.
  • Chocolate. Especially dark chocolate.

mdlbear: blue fractal bear with text "since 2002" (Default)

A week with multiple frustrations and minor stress points. However, I actually got a few things done. And, wow! Guilty on all counts! (Which, unfortunately, will probably have only a minor effect on the voting.)

After living in the Seattle area for a dozen years, I finally got to the Folklife Festival. It was good. Should have done it years ago.

Wednesday was Dad's birthday. I didn't really notice at the time, but that may have complicated my mood somewhat. Somewhat related, I finished reading Crossing the Owl's Bridge: A Guide for Grieving People Who Still Love, by Kim Bateman. Very good, but skip if grief and death are triggers.

Many good links. For example, Study Finds That 52 Percent of ChatGPT Answers to Programming Questions Are Wrong, which does not surprise me in the least. Also, ALESTORM - The Last Saskatchewan Pirate (Official Video) and The Last Bristolian Pirate | The Longest Johns.

Notes & links, as usual )

mdlbear: Three rabbits dancing (rabbit-rabbit-rabbit)

Welcome to June, 2024!

mdlbear: Wild turkey hen close-up (turkey)

Today I am grateful for...

mdlbear: blue fractal bear with text "since 2002" (Default)

Not a bad week, actually. Five walks, three guitar practice sessions (thank you, grep and wc), two good telehealth zoom calls (details on Thursday and Friday), and a lucky find (Crossing the Owl's Bridge: A Guide for Grieving People Who Still Love: by Kim Bateman at the local Little Free Library on Thursday. I seem to be missing something for "four".

And after reading an article on How to cope with climate anxiety I realized that I actually am doing something about the climate -- via Molly, my Chevy Bolt EV. I still worry a lot. And I made sure I knew where my towel was yesterday.

Something's changed in the past week. I don't know what, exactly. But this is the first time since July 2019 that I've had an unqualified "okay" in my mood field. So... WTF? Go me, I guess.

Notes & links, as usual )

mdlbear: portrait of me holding a guitar, by Kelly Freas (freas)

So the idea of "spirituality" has been in my mind, and to some extent in my journal, where I wrote "Is looking up at the night sky a spiritual practice?" I was remembering, in particular, the night N, Colleen and I came back to the house on Whidbey Island one night not too long after we'd bought the place -- the sky was spectacularly clear, and for a long while we all just looked up and got lost in the depths of it.

Songs came up in my discussion with EG yesterday, in a somewhat different context, and afterward I thought about what songs inspire the kind of awe and grandeur that those stars did.

The first song I thought of was Don Simpson's Ship of Stone. The second was Dave Carter's When I Go. The third was also by Dave Carter -- Lord of the Buffalo. Which I haven't done as a s4s, so I'll just link to Tracy Grammer's cover of it.

(You can also find considerably rougher versions by Kaleidofolk at Or-E-Con 2, 2022 and Lookingglass Folk at Conflikt 2012. Not necessarily recommended unless you're a completist.)

mdlbear: Wild turkey hen close-up (turkey)

Today I am grateful for...

  • Health insurance. Medicare + supplements isn't great, but it's what I have and it's covered a lot of oncology so far.
  • A body that, while decrepit, is still mostly functional. NO thanks to the (mostly internal) parts that mostly aren't.
  • Coffee, tea, chocolate, and other sources of alkaloids.
  • Dried fruit.
  • World Turtle Day. Turtles in general. Turtles all the way down.

Not sure whether to be thankful for rabbit holes. They're probably keeping me sane, but is it worth the price in productivity?

mdlbear: blue fractal bear with text "since 2002" (Default)

Last Sunday was Mother's day. Surprisingly not bad. A fairly busy week, which was good, but not busy enough in the late evenings, which left lots of time for depression and rumination. Still, I'd have to say it wasn't too bad. Which these days means "at least it didn't include cancer treatments, cancer side effects, or emergencies of any kind."

I had a good conversation with a Fred Hutch social worker Monday -- that relationship should continue to be useful -- our second meeting is two weeks from last Friday. And a good grief support group session Tuesday morning, followed by a cancer support group meeting Tuesday evening. (All via zoom, of course.) The cancer group starts with a presentation, which wasn't all that useful this week. Anger management isn't usually one of my problems. Also the presenter wasn't very well-prepared. I really prefer either a recorded presentation that I can fast-forward, or a group that's a simple check-in followed by conversation (which is the format for the grief group).

We've been letting Bronx stay in the Lair all day -- that's been working well. Which is to say, he has an UP place which mostly keeps him off my keyboard. And when he stands on my keyboard asking for attention, he can go UP rather than lying on my desk and pushing things off the edge. (That, BTW, is how we know the Earth isn't flat. If it were, cats would long since have batted everything off the edge.)

I think Ticia has officially adopted him -- when I brought him in Monday evening she stood by the carrier flap and started washing his head. Mama cat.

Top link: Is the Internet bad for you? Huge study reveals surprise effect on well-being "A global, 16-year study of 2.4 million people has found that Internet use might boost measures of well-being, such as life satisfaction and sense of purpose ... The positive effect is similar to the well-being benefit associated with taking a walk in nature." ?!!

Notes & links, as usual )

mdlbear: Wild turkey hen close-up (turkey)

Today I am grateful for...

  • GNU emacs, GNU make, git, and ssh.
  • Good walking weather.
  • Time-lapse photography, because trying to see an aurora through Seattle's light polution was basically impossible. Apropos of that, Skunk Bay Weather getting their site back up after having been slashdotted.
  • Apropos of that, my web host, dreamhost.com. Which is better than whatever SBW is using.
  • Alternatives to Chrome.

mdlbear: blue fractal bear with text "since 2002" (Default)

Today is Mother's Day, and Colleen isn't here to enjoy it. Again. It kind of overshadows the week, and makes it hard to remember what was good about the week. Maybe see Thankful Thursday for a better summary of that. Five days with walks, so that's good.

Yesterday's weather was too hot, and I cut the walk a little short. The sky was beautifully clear, but light pollution and early bed-time completely wiped out any view of the aurora. And Skunk Bay Weather, which had a great time-lapse video of Friday night, was slashdotted into oblivion by Saturday afternoon. Fortunately I thought to download the video Friday morning and upload it to $G, so you can watch it here. And if, like me, you also missed the solar eclipse last month, here's a nice time-lapse courtesy of APOD.

And here's a video that you will find amusing if you're a geek: re:bass - YouTube. It's subtitled "A song about committment". Right.

Notes & links, as usual )

mdlbear: Wild turkey hen close-up (turkey)

Today I am grateful for...

  • Being done with radiation treatments. Over the five weeks of treatments, my morning routine deteriorated significantly. It has not yet recovered.
  • I can sleep in, assuming the cats let me.
  • Incrementally Bronx-proofing my desktop and the countertop in the Lair. The former is, regrettably, nowhere near complete.
  • ssh, and figuring out shortcuts for distributing a new (ed25519) key. Because my configuration was starting to get moldy.
  • Warm (but not too warm!) weather for walking in.
  • Birdsong and tree blossoms.
  • Having a coffeehouse an easy walk from the house.

... and how in blazes did it get to be Thursday already?? See first item, maybe.

mdlbear: blue fractal bear with text "since 2002" (Default)

I think this has to be considered a pretty good week on the whole. When's the last time you saw that in a "Done Since" post? (There have been a good number of "mixed" and "not bad" weeks -- those don't count. 2024-01-07 was the last "pretty good" week.) Five posts. Only one (River: Final (treatment) Friday) wasn't a repeating post, but still, posts.

On the down side, a lot of evening fatigue, hot flashes and night sweats (but two nights without them), and increasingly obnoxious behavior from Bronx. But it's hard to fault Bronx -- he's doing it for cuddles and boops, and I learned a new keyboard shortcut when he stood on my keyboard last Sunday. Yes, I'm a soft touch. But I already knew that.

Happy Cinco de Mayo! Welcome to Mental Health Awareness Month (some links at Mental Health America, but they're buried -- I may try to isolate some later).

Notes & links, as usual )

mdlbear: "Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than to curse the darkness" - Terry Pratchett (flamethrower)

"Ohio" as performed by the Kent State University Chorale - YouTube (Via Cat Faber on FB)

(Jul 29, 2020) In remembrance of the 50th anniversary of the events of May 4, 1970, and the release of the song, "Ohio:, the Kent State University Chorale performs a very special acapella version of "Ohio." this version was requested by, and approved by Neil Young.

Also, Ohio - Neil Young CSN&Y 2017 remix. Neil Young - Ohio (Official Live Video)

Kent State shootings -- 54 years ago today.

lyrics, if you don't want to click through: )

mdlbear: (river)

This morning I had my final radiation treatment. There's a gong in the waiting room, and I hit it on the way out. Very satisfying. 70 grays spread over 28 zaps, weekdays for five weeks and 3 days.

Arithmetical and physical details, for the overly curious. )

I'm still trying to figure out what would make an appropriate way to mark the transition. By the terminology of these days I've been a survivor since my diagnosis. And I'm still being treated with a testosterone blocker -- I have another year and a half or so of that to go. And it'll be maybe another year after that until I know whether the combination actually got all the cancer. So who, or what, am I now?

An impatient, maybe?

mdlbear: Wild turkey hen close-up (turkey)

Today I am grateful for...

  • The times when Bronx decides to curl up in a box or bag, or on a shelf, rather than standing on my keyboard trying to collect nuzzles. NO thanks for the times he does the latter, "Though it's clearly evident/These attentions are well-meant."
  • Chocolate. Coffee. Mochas.
  • Having only one radiation treatment left. (But I'll miss the people, and the structure the appointments give to my weekday mornings. Also, wasn't I supposed to get superpowers?)
  • Knees in good enough shape that I can take stairs sometimes instead of waiting for an elevator. (If it was more than two floors I probably wouldn't, though.)
  • My kids.

mdlbear: Three rabbits dancing (rabbit-rabbit-rabbit)

Welcome to May, 2024! Wishing a happy Beltane and Labour Day to those who celebrate them!

mdlbear: blue fractal bear with text "since 2002" (Default)

This week seems to have been an emotional rollercoaster, for no reason that I can discern. Probably missing something obvious. A couple of days with a lot of fatigue. I'm not sure I can tell the difference between depression and brain fog. I'm going to blame the radiation treatments anyway. One more week to go. I'm going to miss the people, and the structure the appointments gave to my days.

I don't claim to have gotten much done this week. I lived through it, but that's merely a necessary condition, not necessary and sufficient. I did have very pleasant appointments with my medical oncologist on Monday, and with my radiation oncologist and Spiritual Health clinician on Wednesday. And the seder Monday night at M and J's (m and j's father and stepmom) was very enjoyable, if a little long.

Notes & links, as usual )

mdlbear: Wild turkey hen close-up (turkey)

Today I am grateful for...

  • M and J, for hosting an excelent seder on Monday.
  • All the people on my care team at Fred Hutch and UW. Shout-out in particular to Dr. Sunkara, Elizabeth G., and the radiation therapy crew (who aren't listed as part of my team on MyChart, but are nice people).
  • Intensity-modulated radiation therapy (IMRT), resulting in (so far) minimal side effects. (I assume they'll get worse, including after my last treatment a week from tomorrow, but note that brain fog and fatigue make good excuses for not getting things done, and I need a lot of those.)
  • Dreamwidth. (I note that today is the start of Three Weeks for Dreamwidth.)
  • Someone to walk with. Today in particular, thanks to m for the invitation.
  • Apropos of that, Monkey Grind Espresso.

mdlbear: (river)

... so I had a zoom call with my Spiritual Health advisor, EG, this morning. Right at the end of our last conversation, she asked me to talk about my "spiritual beliefs and practices" next (i.e. this) time. Which, for a second-generation atheist (albeit one with an Ashkenazi Jewish cultural background, Reformed Druidical leanings, and a life-long interest in fantasy and folklore) was very interesting question. What do I believe, really?

Here's what I came up with.

  • If there is a "supreme being", it can be nothing less than the entire universe. By definition.
  • The universe inspires awe and is worthy of respect. It's okay to call that worship -- the universe doesn't mind. Is looking up at the night sky a spiritual practice? Something close to that.
  • Nature -- the Earth and the living beings on it, is also worthy of awe and respect. Personifying it doesn't hurt and can be very useful as long as I remember what I'm doing and don't take it too seriously. (I name computers, vehicles, and musical instruments too.) I usually call it the Earth Mother.
  • Prayers and rituals don't affect the universe -- nobody's listening. But they do affect me and the people I share them with, so sometimes I do rituals (mostly by invitation) or pray (usually either to the Earth Mother, or to Bast).
  • Sometimes I meditate -- not too often these days. Maybe I should get back to it.
  • I try (and succeed more often than not) to write a gratitude post every Thursday. My target is at least five items.
  • What happens to my consciousness after I die is unknowable. Hopefully nothing, or at least not very long, because eternity is a very long time. But memories live on, and so do songs. Being kind to people makes the memories good ones. (Never anger a bard -- they are not subtle and people remember funny songs.)
  • Just because there probably isn't an afterlife, that doesn't mean I can't write about one. There's a lot of healing in stories. I write memorial posts for the ones I've lost. (My wife swore that she saw a ghost on our back stairs, and I've been visited by invisible cats a few times.)
  • Talking to dead people, cats, stuffed animals, and rubber ducks is harmless and often very useful. Sometimes they answer -- detachment and dissociation are valuable tools.
  • We don't know everything. Or much of anything, really. Mystery is good for the soul (whatever that is -- probably needs another post).

edit: 0428 to fix broken link

mdlbear: blue fractal bear with text "since 2002" (Default)

On the whole not, I think, a particularly bad week, but filled with both small victories (taxes filed, see Monday), minor amusements (see this week's s4s), and both minor and major annoyances. I'm not sure whether the night sweats are major or minor. The unknown credit card charges were a major annoyance. Finding out that they were in fact not fraudulent but due to the fact that we'd set up N's Lyft account with my card because they wouldn't accept hers, and then forgotten about it. I'll also count the fact that Lyft doesn't have a customer service phone number that I could have called to straighten the whole thing out in five minutes as another major annoyance. Also finding that out after getting my card replaced; that's going to cause quite a lot of work over the next week or three.

I count the fact that this is Stress Awareness Month as a minor but ironic amusement.

Word of the week: Procrasticlutter. Non-event of the decade: LJ is 25. Link worth following: The Best Movies Based on Mythology and Folklore | Lifehacker.

Notes & links, as usual )

mdlbear: The international radiation warning symbol, a black trefoil on yellow (radiation)

Radiation therapy can lead one down some pretty weird rabbit-holes. I was rummaging around trying to find out why treatment dosage is measured in cGray. Why 1/100 of a Gray? (I note in passing that a Gray is 0ne joule per kilogram.) Well, it turns out that the outdated CGS unit of radiation dosage was the Rad, equal to 100 ergs per gram, and it's equal to 0.01Gy. So the field of radiation therapy goes back a long way, and everyone was used to using rads, so they just kept the numbers and renamed the unit. Besides, it means nobody has to worry about where to put the decimal point -- my prescription, which is fairly typical, is 7000cGy spread over 28 individual 250cGy zaps.

One thing leads to another, so I followed things like radiation poisoning, radioactive waste, and a Timeline of the far future, which somehow wound up at Ray cats. To quote the article,

A ray cat[a] is a proposed kind of cat that would be genetically engineered to change appearance in the presence of nuclear radiation. Philosophers Françoise Bastide and Paolo Fabbri originated the idea of a "living radiation detector"[1] in 1984 as a proposed long-time nuclear waste warning message that could be understood 10,000 years in the future...

But how do you ensure that people ten millennia in the future will know why their cats suddenly changed color, and what to do about it? Well, you could make a nursery rhyme about it, and give it a really catchy tune,... The result is titled "10,000-Year Earworm to Discourage Settlement Near Nuclear Waste Repositories (Don't Change Color, Kitty)". I'm not sure it's catchy enough to do the job, but it is pretty catchy.

See also, Raycats and earworms: How scientists are using colour-changing cats and nursery rhymes to warn future generations of nuclear danger - CityAM, The Cat Went Over Radioactive Mountain | Method, and the podcast Ten Thousand Years - Episode 114 of 99% Invisible (which has the song in it).

...

To change the subject almost completely, but still sort of related, the folks giving radiation treatments at the UW medical center provide background music via Spotify (to keep you from being bored during the prep and treatment, which takes some 20 minutes on a good day.) Naturally I told them to search Spotify for "filk".

The treatment only runs for the last few minutes; the rest is the techs adjusting your position and orientation so that the markers in your prostate line up within a millimeter or so of where they were the last time. So they were still in the room when Paper Pings came on and I was able to say, as calmly as I could, "I wrote that."

lyrics, if you don't want to click through: )

mdlbear: Wild turkey hen close-up (turkey)

Today I am grateful for...

  • Having my taxes done and filed on time. Dad's trust was more of an ordeal than I expected.
  • Being halfway through my radiation treatments. Monday's was #14 of 28. I'm reluctant to express gratitude for the side-effects being minimal so far, for fear that that would be subject to the "cheer up! things could be worse" effect.
  • COFFEE!
  • Whimsy.
  • Being able to study a language online with headphones on so that I don't have anyone hearing how bad I am.

mdlbear: blue fractal bear with text "since 2002" (Default)

I actually managed to walk five days last week, finished my taxes yesterday, and got my keys back from UW's lost-and-found. On the other hand, I missed the eclipse, and have been feeling distinctly tired and out of sorts. I'm going to blame both oif those on the radiation treatments, which are nearly half over. On the gripping hand, I haven't been doing my exercises very regularly. I have the general feeling I'm decrepitating.

In family news, N and m are still traveling (you can follow their adventures, with a bit of a delay, on GoingSideways.blog),and j got accepted into Leiden University.

In links this week, Taking care is very touching, Fork Theory is an appropriate companion to spoon theory, and Electrifying Cellist Tina Guo Plays an Integral Role in ‘Dune’ and Other Scores by Hans Zimmer.

Notes & links, as usual )

mdlbear: An orange cartoon crab with sunglasses and a camera, surrounded by a blue ring (gs-logo)

The latest post in GoingSideways.blog is New York and Leiden.

Naomi and M make it to New York. Things promptly go sideways...

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