The Mandelbear's Musings

Actually a pretty good week, modulo dysthymia, stress, and back pain. Productive. We found a great garden sculpture company at the home show, and I did a lot of work in the garage yesterday. Including bringing up the hanging lamp that used to be in our kids' room (later the sewing room) at the Starport, and hanging it in the Rainbow Room to replace the floor lamp I broke on Tuesday.

We had music Thursday night, which was also a big win. Details in the notes. I need to sing more.

The L-tryptophan appears to be working. In other mood-related news, I took an online test to see whether I'm experiencing stress. High is 19+; I scored a 30. Ya think? I'm under orders from my massage therapist to research ways of reducing/managing stress. Helpguide.org is one of the best sites I've found so far.

A very good day. Relaxing. Tagged along with Callie while she ran errands, hung out with Naomi and noodled away on guitar, helping her relax while doing stressful work. Sang her QV with the new verse (Pandora) as well-earned congratulations on getting through a couple of weeks of hell. Music and conversation, and getting parboiled in the hot tub. Yeah, a good day.

Two major (to me) steps along the river. The first was that I actually noticed that I was smiling, and when I called Colleen she said she could hear the smile in my voice. Note: I didn't notice that I was happy, I noticed that I was smiling. Happiness was an inference.

The other was rephrasing a statement that "I should have (done X)" to read "I could have (done X) if I'd thought of it at the time." That goes along with the "I should stop shoulding myself" project, and means that I actually am more aware of what I'm saying to myself.

Naomi and I sang "There Is a Healing In This Night" in the hot tub with me, and afterward we sang her braided Tempered Glass arrangement with Callie.

The day ended with some Middle-Sized Bear time, Naomi and I taking turns leaning on one another's shoulders. I am loved. The only thing that could have made it better would have been having Colleen along. Next time.

Sang QV -- all 9 verses of it -- as a "twofer" this evening. First one after the Pegasus Nominee concert, and thinly attended but not as thinly as the ones after it. Not much visible reaction, but several good comments afterward. So, yay!

Spent almost the entire time after that in the con suite talking. That's really what I go the cons for these days. Fair amount of time talking with Becca Leathers, who's co-toastmastering. She's giving a fingerpicking workshop tomorrow; my work on QV managed to impress her. We swapped stories about Pete Seeger and Joan Baez, among many other things.

Now I have to decide whether to gp back downstairs and try to squeeze in a few songs, or go crash. Probably best to take a bath and crash -- I'm getting fuzzy.

My Toastmaster gig at ConChord is now a mere three weeks away. And now that I have reasonably solid timings on QV and Wheelin', I can actually plan out my set list -- as long as I don't write anything new in the mean time. The probability of getting QV on a single is getting lower, but it's still non-zero.

Wednesday was fun. Colleen's friend Bev had to leave early, just after Joyce and Jordan arrived, but we managed to squeeze in her verse of QV, which she hadn't heard. Got the hoped-for reaction: shocked recognition, surprise, and laughter, in that order. Made of win.

Paper Wings [mp3] and Wheelin' [mp3] are coming together pretty well; the latter is especially not bad for having been written just this Monday. We also tried out Quiet Victories with all the extra verses (to date) and some audience participation on the ending. I'm still pretty much winging it there -- that and the intro need work -- but it is going to be flat flaming fantastic.

If I'm going to record Wednesdays on a regular basis for more than just scratch tracks, I'm probably going to need separate mics for the performers to get a reasonable mix with the drum.

Took a nice long walk this morning, during which this requested verse finally started to come together. Can't say I'm happy with it yet, but I have four more weeks until my concert at ConChord...

Prince Charming sweeps you off your feet
And boldly carries you away;
Your rescuer has come at last---
But that's not what the bruises say.
You try to be the perfect wife,
But fail no matter what you do.
You hope that he won't see you cry.
There must be something wrong with you.
    A friend comes by while he's away
    You pack a bag and quickly leave
    Those must be tears of joy I see:
    There's nothing left behind to grieve.

Still needs some thought, particularly in line 6.

Exactly one month from now I'll be eating breakfast in the Warner Center Marriott, getting ready for my Toastmaster gig at ConChord 21. EEEEP!!

Went over to Joyce's last night for some practice; we worked on the three songs in the tentative setlist that we hadn't worked on before: "Paper Wings", "Millennium's Dawn", and "Quiet Victories". Also worked on "The River".

There's still a chance that Joyce won't make it down to ConChord. She just got laid off last week (anyone -- especially a startup in the Bay Area -- looking for a senior tech writer or documentation manager?) and is currently dealing with some medical/mobility problems. So the setlist for my concert Saturday night is still slightly up in the air. I need to practice more of my repertoire than just the setlist, though, so that's ok. I figure on running through about half the set plus a couple of other songs every day.

It's not at all clear whether I'll be able to get a single of QV put together in time for the con.

My allergies are finally abating, and I seem to be getting enough sleep modulo the fact that the flower_cat isn't sleeping well.

The Cat's arthritis is as bad as I've ever seen it. Aspirin still works, fortunately; she tried naproxin for a couple of days and found that, although it helped with the pain, it didn't help with the stiffness and joint inflamation. Apparently some of the better arthritis drugs either don't work, or interact badly with her other meds. She's using her walker to go between the front and back of the house; some of that is dizziness, which is apparently a side effect of the Keflex that she's taking the last dose of this morning. We'll see if that helps. Her leg is looking a lot better, but there may still be some lingering infection.

The chaoswolf has been in Seattle for a little over 12 hours now. Haven't heard from her. *waves*

The Y.D. is home for the summer, and appears to be keeping busy with friends and games. We'll need to make a serious effort to get her to clean her room; not clear what kind of persuasion we need to apply.

Sang "The River" and "Quiet Victories" for Colleen's friend B. Three sheets of Kleenex -- Eeep. I'm either going to have to add a more upbeat verse at the end, or abandon the idea of using it as a set closer; "Millennium's Dawn", perhaps. It was apropos, though; much of the evening's conversation revolved around successfully-fended-off assaults. There may be a verse in there. Especially B's story -- that was downright funny.

Turns out that "Millennium's Dawn" is jilara's favorite; she recognized it while I was noodling my way through the ConChord setlist, so of course I had to sing it. Hear me complain.

Fascinating evening. I spent almost all of yesterday evening out in the living room, with both a laptop (which is dying, but that's ok) and a guitar (Ruby) within reach. Sang "Quiet Victories" three or four times, as various people came in who hadn't heard it, while Colleen tossed boxes of Kleenex around the room. Also "The River" and "Bigger on the Inside". Had a couple of good conversations, short but more intense than usual. I'm relearning the skill. Or learning it; I'm not sure I ever had it to begin with.

Sang QV both with and without the extra verse I wrote yesterday; I get the feeling that I'm going to be writing the occasional extra verse and singing them for whoever I know is in the audience. I'd originally thought it might be a good set-closer, but everyone else disagreed with me when I mentioned it. That may take some thinking.

The flower_cat and I went to bed -- or at least moved into the bedroom -- at about 11-something and stayed up talking until well after 2am. Which means I've had about 4 hours' sleep, but that's ok; it was worth it. At one point, around 12:30 I guess, we decided that the conversation was better than sex and went straight for the happy snuggling that comes after it. It was a fairly wide-ranging conversation for us, but almost all about other people: friends, kids...

The one thing we didn't have to talk about much was our relationship; that's more solid than ever. A little bit about how our kids view it (which is positively: they know that we fight a little, and why; they also know that we fight a lot less and more constructively than the parents of some of their friends, and that we're solidly together). Can one have something like NRE with ones' spouse of 31 years? I guess, considering my recent changes, one can.

One can definitely have NRE with a song. Fortunately the Cat doesn't seem to get jealous of a song the way she does of what she calls my Silicon Mistress (yes, there will be a post on that one soon). Guess she's a lot more understanding when she knows that it's only a temporary fling until the next one comes along. Plus she gets to share the fun.

Lyrics page [pdf] [ogg] [mp3]

Quiet Victories

© Stephen Savitzky. Some Rights Reserved.

Sit down with me and talk a while;
And please believe me when I say
I don't need much to make me smile,
Just tell me how you spent your day.
I don't need tales of heros bold
Gentle lady, tell to me,
Some tale of yours you've never told;
About some quiet victory.

    Forget heroic fantasy
    That's not the tale I need to hear,
    Tell me of quiet victory
    Of love and life against your fear.

Don't tell me of the Amazon
The battle-lust hot in her breast;
Just tell me what the mirror showed: 
A warrior's scar across your chest.
Would he still love you after that?
Would you die beneath the knife?
The cancer gave you Devil's odds;
You rolled the dice and won your life.

    And still you see your friends and kin
    Make their throw, to lose or gain
    Against the old familiar foes
    Grief and fear and death and pain.

Don't tell me of the shieldmaid bold,
Her laughter in the face of death
I'll take the smile you gave your son
To cheer him as he fought for breath.
No matter that your heart was filled
With fear you gamely had to hide;
No matter what it cost to spend
The next two days there at his side.

    You tell me that it wasn't hard,
    Snd it was love that saw you through.
    Yes, I believe you when you say
    It's what a mother has to do.

I've heard you sing a Goddess' praise
On Athens' ramparts standing fast;
What did your grey-eyed lady sing
When she proclaimed her love at last?
What does it cost you two to share
A love that half the world despise?
What did it take to tell your Mom
And face the anger in her eyes?

    It's not a myth you're living now
    The hate you'll face is all too real;
    You'll make it through the coming years
    With hearts of glass and nerves of steel.

That tale of dwarves, and rings of gold,
Dragons flying through the air
Is that the movie that your girl
Was watching in intensive care?
And when at last she's home again,
You dread the word you'll have to say:
She asks, can she walk home from school?
You swallow hard, and say ``OK''.

    Tires squeal all afternoon;
    Tbe sirens make your blood run cold.
    She'll be a woman all too soon;
    You let her grow up strong and bold.

instrumental

    Forget heroic fantasy
    That's not the tale I need to hear,
    Tell me of quiet victory
    Of love and life against your fear.

    Here's to the women, gently brave
    Mothers, daughters, lovers, wives,
    And to the quiet victories
    We seldom notice in their lives.

This song was largely inspired by the last few weeks on and off LJ, though it's pulled in a few other things along the way. It could easily have been two or three times as long, and may yet; I have the feeling that this tale may grow in the telling.

Future posts on related subjects will have the qv tag; feel free to use it. You're also welcome to the icon (ganked from Wikipedia -- seemed appropriate).

Your comments are very welcome. Did you see yourself here? Do you have a totally different story to tell? I want to hear. But if you want to tell me that you weren't being courageous, that it wasn't hard at all, that you didn't have to think twice about what you did--well, go ahead, but that's kind of the point, isn't it? Stand up and take a bow anyway.

6/10 5:30am Stupid, stupid bear. The [mp3] link will work now.

And if you want to record it, just drop me a note -- and a copy of the CD -- and send the royalties to an appropriate charity.

Walked around the Rose Garden today; that, and pretty much the entire day so far, have been spent working on Quiet Victories. There's a rough but "complete" lyric and a corresponding recording. I may have them up in a few days, but there are some people whose personal stories a couple of verses are based on, and I had to give them a head start in case they wanted to kill me first.

As for getting much of anything else done over the weekend, well... I'll make some repairs to the drip irrigation system in the front yard, after the gardener (a friend of jilara's) is finished with rakes and shovels and other implements of potential destruction to hoses.

My current web publishing scheme has become distinctly haphazard. It's all because my "main" site is still on rahul.net under thestarport.org, in spite of the fact that everything's really on dreamhost and could be updated trivially by rsync and maybe some symlinks.

6-9 08:14 Will post in full, with music, later this evening after I've had a chance to make a few edits and cut a new recording.

current mood: high

Took the five-mile loop by Los Gatos Creek today. No blisters to show for it either. So Yay! I think I used the time pretty well.

See, I've had this melody stuck in my head for a couple of years now. Probably cobbled together from stolen bits, they all are, but I've made it mine by now. It's basically a march, and has (to my mind at least) a sort of noble, high-fantasy feel to it. It attached itself to Quiet Victories.

Never mind that it blows my original 3/4 scansion to smithereens. That's where it seems to want to be.

Forget heroic fantasy
Those aren't the tales I need to hear
Tell me the tale you never told
Of quiet victory over fear

Still very fragmentary; that's all I have that's reasonably solid at the moment.

This wasn't going to be my next River post--I wasn't even thinking about this subject--but it seems to be a good time for it. The quiet courage I've been seeing on my friends list, and elsewhere, recently is simply awe-inspiring, and I feel privileged to witness it.

Courage isn't a matter of going forward without fear, of facing down a dragon with a bright sword and a cheerful heart. That may be confidence, overconfidence, or stupidity, but it's not courage. Courage is a matter of going forward in spite of the fear. It's doing what you have to do in the moment, and worrying about the consequences when it's over. It's doing something instinctively, without thinking, and feeling slightly baffled when your friends tell you how brave you were.

Courage is holding a sick child and smiling at them. It's making it through another day at work while waiting for test results. It's writing a series of calm, objective updates for your friends while someone you love is in the hospital. It's telling your friends list you've made a stupid mistake, or telling the whole damned internet how much you love somebody. It's making that phone call you've been dreading. It may just be facing yourself in the mirror.

Folks, thank you for sharing. It makes this old bear happy and proud to know you.